Bottle it up...send it my way

Allen's dad passed away on June 9th and it's been terribly hard for all of us. Allen went on June 6th to Abilene to be with him in the hospital and hasn't been home since. My parents and I went to be with him and his mom that day and left the following Sunday. This has been SO hard!!! The plan was for him to return in August and we'd continue living our happy lives out here in Plano. The plan has changed. We're now going to move in with his mother and begin renovating a house that his Grandmother left him in her will, years ago. Our lease is up at the end of September. That means we'll be apart until then. I have severe depression and this is NOT helping. Yes, we're only 4 hours apart, but with limited cell phone minutes, and only 1 income (he quit his job to move and now can't find one there...) this is SCARY!!! We've gotten together twice since the funeral, and it has been for a weekends time. The first weekend (one week after the funeral) he had a camping trip, and I told him to go. This was before the plans to move there came into play. He and his mom came into town and stayed at my folks house for the 4th and that was great, but totally not long enough.


I HATE moving. HATE it HATE it HATE IT! Moving always messes with my emotions, and now with the separation, I'm going insane over here. Our roommate is moving back to Abilene as well, but he may be going in the middle of August.... Let that sink in. I'll be ALL ALONE in this big house. Left to pack and clean and live all by my lonesome. I like being alone..but not for too long. My anxiety and depression completely take over. *Sigh* Panic attack and I are on a first name basis these days. Hell, tonight, I broke down with Allen on the phone.

I'm one of those people who knows what needs to be done, but I dream about the next big step. In this case, I've been thinking lots about the moving in and decorating process. The parties we can throw, the butcher shop I can work in(yes, I really want to work in a butcher shop) and the kids we can finally have. Allen is NOT like that. He is all about thinking of the next 2 steps...but not the 30th one. Right now, his mind is on gutting the house, and then dry walling. Also, he's worried about me. I honestly think he may be afraid that I'll hurt myself. Yes, in High School, while still living with my father, I came SOOOOO close. My mother made an attempt on her life when I was in 3rd grade. I however have learned that it's not for me. I deal with my head with medications and talking. Sadly, the man I love so much isn't one for talking about uncomfortable subjects. Ok, so it's not that he can't handle the touchy subjects, but more that he doesn't understand them. He's never grappled with depression like my mother and I do. He doesn't understand the way my brain processes things. I love him with all my heart, but I'm afraid he'll never understand this part of me.


I think I want to be normal. By normal, I mean not a head case. I never want to be a J.Crew catalogue...just a non nutjob. That's all I ask. Plain and simple...thanks.

Me