My brother David is going back to Iraq in October or November and it's nerve wracking as always. He and Kathy will have already moved to Germany a week or 2 before he's shipped out, and then, she's there alone. I'm worried for Kathy, but atleast she'll be in the same house as last time with many of the same friends and military wives. However, David, I'm more worried about. Ok, so really it's Davids troop. Last time, he was with a lot of young guys, and many of them never received a single care package. This time, I plan to change that!
So, here's my idea... I'm going to start soon by cutting out heart shapes in red felt. Yes, I know it's girly, but hear me out! Anyway, I'm going to cut these out and embroider the word love on one piece and on a second piece, I'm going to put the guys names on them. Of course, it'll be about 2 months before I can do up their names, bc until he gets the all clear, we're not allowed to know where he is. Plus, I don't think I'll be able to get their names until then either. Anyway! SO I then want to attach the two hearts to one another with a blanket stitch. I plan to hand write a note to each soldier, and put the heart in there for them to keep with them. I want to remind these guys that they are definitely loved by someone out there. Sometimes, they need that reminder more than we could ever imagine. I also want to take time and make some Chocolate Chip Cookies, along with Peanut Butter cookies. I'll get those all sealed and packed away, along with some homemade granola mix. That, I will be putting into those tiny portion baggies, so that everyone can get some. Also, I'll make 2 batches, one with nuts, and one without. Some people are allergic, so ya gotta prepare! :) I would like to also include a case or 2 of the 4 oz packets of tuna, as well as a box of Mayo packets. Sounds wierd, I know, but I can get them online for less than $20 for 200 of them. I figure that would be better than sending bottles that can spoil much easier.
Anyway, this is a rather ambitious undertaking, considering the fact that I'm moving in a week or so and am busy getting ready for that. Then, once we get moved into Allen's moms place, we'll begin renovating our house. BOY HOWDY... I have a lot on my plate. That's ok though. :)
Friday, September 05, 2008
Monday, September 01, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Bottle it up...send it my way
Allen's dad passed away on June 9th and it's been terribly hard for all of us. Allen went on June 6th to Abilene to be with him in the hospital and hasn't been home since. My parents and I went to be with him and his mom that day and left the following Sunday. This has been SO hard!!! The plan was for him to return in August and we'd continue living our happy lives out here in Plano. The plan has changed. We're now going to move in with his mother and begin renovating a house that his Grandmother left him in her will, years ago. Our lease is up at the end of September. That means we'll be apart until then. I have severe depression and this is NOT helping. Yes, we're only 4 hours apart, but with limited cell phone minutes, and only 1 income (he quit his job to move and now can't find one there...) this is SCARY!!! We've gotten together twice since the funeral, and it has been for a weekends time. The first weekend (one week after the funeral) he had a camping trip, and I told him to go. This was before the plans to move there came into play. He and his mom came into town and stayed at my folks house for the 4th and that was great, but totally not long enough.
I HATE moving. HATE it HATE it HATE IT! Moving always messes with my emotions, and now with the separation, I'm going insane over here. Our roommate is moving back to Abilene as well, but he may be going in the middle of August.... Let that sink in. I'll be ALL ALONE in this big house. Left to pack and clean and live all by my lonesome. I like being alone..but not for too long. My anxiety and depression completely take over. *Sigh* Panic attack and I are on a first name basis these days. Hell, tonight, I broke down with Allen on the phone.
I'm one of those people who knows what needs to be done, but I dream about the next big step. In this case, I've been thinking lots about the moving in and decorating process. The parties we can throw, the butcher shop I can work in(yes, I really want to work in a butcher shop) and the kids we can finally have. Allen is NOT like that. He is all about thinking of the next 2 steps...but not the 30th one. Right now, his mind is on gutting the house, and then dry walling. Also, he's worried about me. I honestly think he may be afraid that I'll hurt myself. Yes, in High School, while still living with my father, I came SOOOOO close. My mother made an attempt on her life when I was in 3rd grade. I however have learned that it's not for me. I deal with my head with medications and talking. Sadly, the man I love so much isn't one for talking about uncomfortable subjects. Ok, so it's not that he can't handle the touchy subjects, but more that he doesn't understand them. He's never grappled with depression like my mother and I do. He doesn't understand the way my brain processes things. I love him with all my heart, but I'm afraid he'll never understand this part of me.
I think I want to be normal. By normal, I mean not a head case. I never want to be a J.Crew catalogue...just a non nutjob. That's all I ask. Plain and simple...thanks.
Me
I HATE moving. HATE it HATE it HATE IT! Moving always messes with my emotions, and now with the separation, I'm going insane over here. Our roommate is moving back to Abilene as well, but he may be going in the middle of August.... Let that sink in. I'll be ALL ALONE in this big house. Left to pack and clean and live all by my lonesome. I like being alone..but not for too long. My anxiety and depression completely take over. *Sigh* Panic attack and I are on a first name basis these days. Hell, tonight, I broke down with Allen on the phone.
I'm one of those people who knows what needs to be done, but I dream about the next big step. In this case, I've been thinking lots about the moving in and decorating process. The parties we can throw, the butcher shop I can work in(yes, I really want to work in a butcher shop) and the kids we can finally have. Allen is NOT like that. He is all about thinking of the next 2 steps...but not the 30th one. Right now, his mind is on gutting the house, and then dry walling. Also, he's worried about me. I honestly think he may be afraid that I'll hurt myself. Yes, in High School, while still living with my father, I came SOOOOO close. My mother made an attempt on her life when I was in 3rd grade. I however have learned that it's not for me. I deal with my head with medications and talking. Sadly, the man I love so much isn't one for talking about uncomfortable subjects. Ok, so it's not that he can't handle the touchy subjects, but more that he doesn't understand them. He's never grappled with depression like my mother and I do. He doesn't understand the way my brain processes things. I love him with all my heart, but I'm afraid he'll never understand this part of me.
I think I want to be normal. By normal, I mean not a head case. I never want to be a J.Crew catalogue...just a non nutjob. That's all I ask. Plain and simple...thanks.
Me
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Spiritual Relevance
Never have I been questioned about my faith so many times in a 48 hour period. I'm now part of the Catering Department with The Black-eyed Pea. That typically consists of Heather (the Manager) and Jesse(the assistant). I've come in to replace Jesse after he leaves to go back to school in Thailand (he's American). I've met both Heather and Jesse a few times, mostly while planning my wedding. They catered the event and did such a beautiful job. I was so very thankful. Anyway! We're not close and comfy yet, because we're all still trying to figure each other out. Apparently, they assumed that I was some sort of Bible Thumper or something. They assumed this because of the music played at the wedding( long story short, the cable for the ipod was lost and Allen's secretary brought in her CD's so that we could have SOME sort of music). It was all Christian. Plus, they said that I'm so nice and tolerant of others. They just assumed that those are the characteristics you read about when a *Christian* is described. While, I am in a way, a *Christian*, I'm not a Bible toting Baptist, as would be expected here in Texas. I'm Spiritual. I know that most women who claim to be *Spiritual* are just trying to say they don't know what they are, but want to sound intelligent. Luckily, I'm not that vapid. I believe that there is a God. I believe in Miracles. To me, a bird singing, the sun rising, a rose blooming... those are the true miracles in life. I'm in awe of everyday that I wake up and can here those birds chirping. The nights when I can fall asleep to the sound of the cicadas(locusts) that aren't coming from my state of the art Sound Machine. Personally, I don't believe that going to Church makes you a better person. Not by any means. Having been a waitress for so long, I've come to see that most Church-goers are angry and more than willing to take it out on those who are there to make their life easier (e.g. the servers). Please understand that I know that there are those major exceptions to the rule. Those people who are so filled with the love of the Holy Spirit who are so thankful for the help and so willing to express and give thanks. Those people are true inspirations to me. The little old ladies with walkers who are in constant pain, but yet, they never cease to be so thankful for every minute they have. They treat the waiters like kings and make us feel like a million bucks! The people who walk in and want to give you a hug to insure you have a good day from that point on. Those are the inspiring ones.
That being said, I have a sister in law who feels I HAVE to have a *Church Home*. She swears it is impossible to raise a child unless you take them to Church every Sunday and Wednesday. I informed her of our desire to refrain from *finding a Church Home* due to our lack of happiness while in them. The last time I went to Church and really got involved, they told me to *cut the ties* with my mother until she decided to come to that Church, bc I couldn't be yoked with such an unbeliever. She's a believer, just not a believer in mans church. That's when I opened my eyes to the idea that it's not for sure that my ideas are the correct ones. Who says that Judaism is incorrect? What about Islam, or Buddhism? Who am I to say that millions of people are wrong? I open to learning about them all. I have never stood up to my domineering Sister in Law, and it felt SOOO refreshing to have done so. I think the main reason I've refrained in the past is my love for my niece and nephew. I would hate to be banned from seeing them, just because I refuse to be part of a cookie cutter culture. I love those kids with all my heart and would die inside if I couldn't see them a few times a month, bc I'm different.
Now, we move onto the fears I have. I know that they are completely irrational, but they are floating around my head CONSTANTLY. I love children. Anyone who knows me even for a little while, knows that if I'm in a poor mood, bring a child into my midst and I'll forget I was ever unhappy. I LOVE children. I've worked in a daycare. I've dealt with HORRENDOUS diapers, vomit, illness, frightening choking, etc. I've done the bedtime story, sung songs to calm a childs nerves, and driven around the block for an hour to get a baby to sleep. Yet, I'm SOOO afraid I'm going to wind up screwing my kids up. I know that the children Allen and I have will be COMPLETELY different from the kids in their classes. The reason I say this is because I plan to raise my children with morals, values and w/o a sense of entitlement. My children will know that saying please and thank you aren't so that you don't get in trouble. I will teach them that you have to honestly be thankful. You have to have feeling behind everything you say. I plan to raise my children as my parents did. Yet, I'm still so scared that I'm going to break them. My sister has nothing to do with my mother, and I don't want that. I want the relationship I have with my mother to transcend to the relationship I have with my own child. I'm afraid I'll be too strict, but too lax at the same time. I don't believe in screaming at a child for making a mess. Messes are inevitable. I believe in talking to them, and explaining things. Yes, if they do something BAD, that they KNOW not to do, then a spanking is in order. I don't believe in spanking/grounding/yelling at them for EVERY little thing they do wrong though.
I'm so fortunate. I actually have the chance to think about this stuff. I'm able to sit here and say *My future child with my husband*. So many people from High School already have kids, out of wedlock. Unplanned children. They didn't have the chance to plan out how they wanted to *do* their pregnancy, bc it happened due to lack of responsibility. I've always wanted to be risky and crazy, but I'm so thankful that I'm responsible.
Just wanted to rant and relieve myself of worries. Thanks
That being said, I have a sister in law who feels I HAVE to have a *Church Home*. She swears it is impossible to raise a child unless you take them to Church every Sunday and Wednesday. I informed her of our desire to refrain from *finding a Church Home* due to our lack of happiness while in them. The last time I went to Church and really got involved, they told me to *cut the ties* with my mother until she decided to come to that Church, bc I couldn't be yoked with such an unbeliever. She's a believer, just not a believer in mans church. That's when I opened my eyes to the idea that it's not for sure that my ideas are the correct ones. Who says that Judaism is incorrect? What about Islam, or Buddhism? Who am I to say that millions of people are wrong? I open to learning about them all. I have never stood up to my domineering Sister in Law, and it felt SOOO refreshing to have done so. I think the main reason I've refrained in the past is my love for my niece and nephew. I would hate to be banned from seeing them, just because I refuse to be part of a cookie cutter culture. I love those kids with all my heart and would die inside if I couldn't see them a few times a month, bc I'm different.
Now, we move onto the fears I have. I know that they are completely irrational, but they are floating around my head CONSTANTLY. I love children. Anyone who knows me even for a little while, knows that if I'm in a poor mood, bring a child into my midst and I'll forget I was ever unhappy. I LOVE children. I've worked in a daycare. I've dealt with HORRENDOUS diapers, vomit, illness, frightening choking, etc. I've done the bedtime story, sung songs to calm a childs nerves, and driven around the block for an hour to get a baby to sleep. Yet, I'm SOOO afraid I'm going to wind up screwing my kids up. I know that the children Allen and I have will be COMPLETELY different from the kids in their classes. The reason I say this is because I plan to raise my children with morals, values and w/o a sense of entitlement. My children will know that saying please and thank you aren't so that you don't get in trouble. I will teach them that you have to honestly be thankful. You have to have feeling behind everything you say. I plan to raise my children as my parents did. Yet, I'm still so scared that I'm going to break them. My sister has nothing to do with my mother, and I don't want that. I want the relationship I have with my mother to transcend to the relationship I have with my own child. I'm afraid I'll be too strict, but too lax at the same time. I don't believe in screaming at a child for making a mess. Messes are inevitable. I believe in talking to them, and explaining things. Yes, if they do something BAD, that they KNOW not to do, then a spanking is in order. I don't believe in spanking/grounding/yelling at them for EVERY little thing they do wrong though.
I'm so fortunate. I actually have the chance to think about this stuff. I'm able to sit here and say *My future child with my husband*. So many people from High School already have kids, out of wedlock. Unplanned children. They didn't have the chance to plan out how they wanted to *do* their pregnancy, bc it happened due to lack of responsibility. I've always wanted to be risky and crazy, but I'm so thankful that I'm responsible.
Just wanted to rant and relieve myself of worries. Thanks
Sunday, January 06, 2008
The Way I Am -- Ingrid Michaelson
I'm sick, sadly. I'm going insane!! I woke up at 9 this morning to get ready for work and felt quite crappy. I could tell my voice wasn't going to be up to par, but I was cool with it. I put on my makeup (which, due to my fair complexion is darker than my natural tone) and left. I arrived, breakfast in hand, ready to take on the morning. I was WRONG. I got in, sat in a booth to eat before I cleaned, and suddenly my body just ached. Head to toe aching. I'm PRAYING that I haven't got the flu. Ugh, that'd be HORRIBLE. *Sigh* So, we start our meeting and stupid comments are made. Everyone laughs, I just sit. Everyone noticed that my distinctive laugh was not among their own and turned to find me a puddle in the booth. My manager commented that I was a light shade of green (thought I'd covered that with the makeup!) and that I looked like crap. He wins the Sherlock Award. Anyway, everytime I'd talk, my voice was this high pitched crackly sound that was painful to produce. My head felt as though it weighed 40 lbs or so. My eyes felt swollen and icky. I was sent home. Chad(another manager) was pissed by that decision, even though w/ me on the floor, their were too many already. He also pissed me off by making a comment about *What if you were supposed to manage??* My response: Well, if I were to manage, I'd be here, doing just that. I don't have nearly as much face to face contact with customers. Nor do I have as much contact with their food as I do if I'm a server. Plus, as a manager, I'm allowed to have something to drink and snack on through out the day, as a server, it's forbidden. *sigh*
Friday I worked 3pm-9:30pm as a Supervisor. I had a lot of fun! It was rough because things kept going wrong, but I rolled up my proverbial sleeves, as well as my real ones, and jumped right in. I had several customers comment on my *service with a smile* as well as my ability to handle the problems happening around the restaurant. I had a few tables ask when I work as a server next because they want to be in my section. That made me feel SO good.
Saturday on the other hand was a different story. I started at 10am and left around 9pm. It wasn't too bad just dead with an unexpected major pop. We went from 10 tables in the whole restaurant, to no tables available for 10 minutes. All that in a matter of 30 minutes. I Was pooped to say the least. I passed out around 11 or so and woke around 9. That's when the story begins above. ;)
I just wish my head would lose some weight and the aching would leave me soon. I feel I ought to be in bed in the next few minutes.
Just a few things first.
I want to hack off all my hair. Maybe a cute little chin length bob or something. It's passed my boobs now and REALLY annoying. Especially if you consider how easily it tangles. It would be nice to get rid of that. :) I think I might in the next couple of weeks or so.
Also, I get an MRI done Thursday, of my left knee and lower lumbar/spine. I'm not excited. While MRI's don't bother me, their results do. I could possibly have a tear in my meniscus. A tear means need for surgery. Surgery means NO MONEY. No BUENO. THen again, I could be a supervisor a few times a week or the person prepping the food to go out. I'd have to be on pain meds and flexeril for inflammation, but it might work. Hmm....
Also, I need a new wallet. I've thought about creating my own using the Amy Butler squares I bought on e-bay. I just need to learn the machine of sewing first. I'm scared. LoL. I'm a loser.
So, on that self deprecating note, I bid you a dieu.
s'abelle. (Chef Michelle called me that in France)
Friday I worked 3pm-9:30pm as a Supervisor. I had a lot of fun! It was rough because things kept going wrong, but I rolled up my proverbial sleeves, as well as my real ones, and jumped right in. I had several customers comment on my *service with a smile* as well as my ability to handle the problems happening around the restaurant. I had a few tables ask when I work as a server next because they want to be in my section. That made me feel SO good.
Saturday on the other hand was a different story. I started at 10am and left around 9pm. It wasn't too bad just dead with an unexpected major pop. We went from 10 tables in the whole restaurant, to no tables available for 10 minutes. All that in a matter of 30 minutes. I Was pooped to say the least. I passed out around 11 or so and woke around 9. That's when the story begins above. ;)
I just wish my head would lose some weight and the aching would leave me soon. I feel I ought to be in bed in the next few minutes.
Just a few things first.
I want to hack off all my hair. Maybe a cute little chin length bob or something. It's passed my boobs now and REALLY annoying. Especially if you consider how easily it tangles. It would be nice to get rid of that. :) I think I might in the next couple of weeks or so.
Also, I get an MRI done Thursday, of my left knee and lower lumbar/spine. I'm not excited. While MRI's don't bother me, their results do. I could possibly have a tear in my meniscus. A tear means need for surgery. Surgery means NO MONEY. No BUENO. THen again, I could be a supervisor a few times a week or the person prepping the food to go out. I'd have to be on pain meds and flexeril for inflammation, but it might work. Hmm....
Also, I need a new wallet. I've thought about creating my own using the Amy Butler squares I bought on e-bay. I just need to learn the machine of sewing first. I'm scared. LoL. I'm a loser.
So, on that self deprecating note, I bid you a dieu.
s'abelle. (Chef Michelle called me that in France)
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