Why is it, when I feel pretty confident and only slightly frazzled, that he decides to throw a curve ball and once again remind me of my worthlessness. Well, the worthlessness I possess, in his opinion. WHY??? Our phone call today reminded me why it's a great thing we're separated/divorcing. He makes me feel so insignificant, worthless and just plain crappy. He knows he's doing it, too. I think that's what makes it worse! He told me he's done with me. He's done being my friend. I need to find a cell phone carrier and get car insurance bc he's booting me off of both very soon. He also told me that I've taken all of his friends from him, like BJ and James, so I can have that too he guesses. WHAT??? I'm so lost!!
I lost my shit. I was trying to remain calm up front at work, but started to lose it. So, I walked back to the freezer and lost it. I began to hyperventilate and tried not to cry so as not to make my face too red. After about 5 minutes of sobbing and trying to breathe, I gathered my composure and walked back out to the line and just went about my business. No one asked me anything, even the people who had watched me lose it. They kept to themselves and let me be. I'm thankful for them. If it weren't for them, leaving me alone, never asking if I was ok, I'd have lost my shit in the middle of the rush.
I feel as though I'm losing my mind. Everyone tells me to just leave him in the dust. Get rid of any of his crap that's in the storage unit. Tell him to shove off. Let him go completely. I'm not like him though. I can't just cut ties and no longer care. I can't be mean and not feel guilty for it. I'm too nice and I'm trying to work on it. I'm slowly growing out of my doormat shell.
Here's to an easy life, a grand adventure and a soundtrack worthy of Hollywood.
Liza B.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Pardon Me
Today was a rather humbling. I was shown that I don't know everything there is to know about a particular position at work. It was the position I worked EVERY night for 8 months at the Deli. I thought I knew it! Turns out, day time Delco is a different beast from night time Delco. We do our finishing touches (bag lists and catering stuff) at the end of the night. During the day, you do it at the very beginning. I'm working the Delco position for the rest of the week so that I can have it down pat. It was definitely a humbling experience and I'm so very thankful for it. Jessica can come across as mean, but she's the sweetest person you'll ever work with, unless you cross her. Don't cross her.
Talking to Lowell, the DM, today was eye opening. Apparently my bosses see me as an inspiration. They feel I'll be inspirational for the girls in Odessa. Apparently, my age, divorce and desire to work and travel all mean a lot to the big bosses. They think that I'll be able to guide some of the girls out there and show them that it's possible. I'll be a strong and positive influence for them. I can't wait. :) Talk about a HUGE compliment!
I also found out that the owner thinks so much of me that he's not going to make me pay back the loan he gave me. WHAT?!?!?! I started crying when Lowell told me that. He gave me a big hug then I had to walk away. I went to the office and cried a little, lol. I felt slightly ridiculous but I'm SO grateful! I'm still in shock over it. :)
I have a friend, named Rob, who is miserable. He has nothing positive to say. He thinks my life so cushy and easy because good things, like the above, happen to me. What he doesn't understand is that it's all about the power of positivity! Yes, I get down. I get sad, I let things tear me up. Who doesn't?? However, the difference between he and I, is the fact that I don't stay down. I refuse to be angry and bitter all the time. I've had a lot of crap happen to me since I was a kid. Things adults shouldn't be exposed to. It happened and I'm alive, so I'm ok. I refuse to be upset by it. I'm not going to be bitter and make excuses for everything that goes wrong. I either made a mistake or it just wasn't meant to be. When good things happen, I'm shocked. I feel undeserving and appreciative to the -nth degree. Negative people live with a "Why me" attitude. "My car broke down! Why me?" "My job added a new duty, why me??" Positive people live with a different "why me" attitude. "I was given a raise? What did I do to be deserving of this?" "I met the man of my dreams. How did I get so lucky??" When bad things happen, they think: "Well, this is just one of those things that happens. It sucks, but new breaks are necessary" "It's part of the job I get paid to do. So be it!" It's all in how you see life. :) Good things happen to those who live positive lives. I'm a firm believer.
E
Talking to Lowell, the DM, today was eye opening. Apparently my bosses see me as an inspiration. They feel I'll be inspirational for the girls in Odessa. Apparently, my age, divorce and desire to work and travel all mean a lot to the big bosses. They think that I'll be able to guide some of the girls out there and show them that it's possible. I'll be a strong and positive influence for them. I can't wait. :) Talk about a HUGE compliment!
I also found out that the owner thinks so much of me that he's not going to make me pay back the loan he gave me. WHAT?!?!?! I started crying when Lowell told me that. He gave me a big hug then I had to walk away. I went to the office and cried a little, lol. I felt slightly ridiculous but I'm SO grateful! I'm still in shock over it. :)
I have a friend, named Rob, who is miserable. He has nothing positive to say. He thinks my life so cushy and easy because good things, like the above, happen to me. What he doesn't understand is that it's all about the power of positivity! Yes, I get down. I get sad, I let things tear me up. Who doesn't?? However, the difference between he and I, is the fact that I don't stay down. I refuse to be angry and bitter all the time. I've had a lot of crap happen to me since I was a kid. Things adults shouldn't be exposed to. It happened and I'm alive, so I'm ok. I refuse to be upset by it. I'm not going to be bitter and make excuses for everything that goes wrong. I either made a mistake or it just wasn't meant to be. When good things happen, I'm shocked. I feel undeserving and appreciative to the -nth degree. Negative people live with a "Why me" attitude. "My car broke down! Why me?" "My job added a new duty, why me??" Positive people live with a different "why me" attitude. "I was given a raise? What did I do to be deserving of this?" "I met the man of my dreams. How did I get so lucky??" When bad things happen, they think: "Well, this is just one of those things that happens. It sucks, but new breaks are necessary" "It's part of the job I get paid to do. So be it!" It's all in how you see life. :) Good things happen to those who live positive lives. I'm a firm believer.
E
Monday, August 09, 2010
Sigh worthy...
*sigh* I love my job. My job is gong to be my career. I may not continue with Jason's Deli in 5 years, but I'll be managing restaurants and hopefully one day owning my own. This is the path I've chosen for my life. Lots of travelling and being uprooted.
So, if this is my choice and what I really want, why am I so damn attached? It's eating me up inside that we're going to call it quits once I move. I know that neither of us can handle this distance. I also know that we both are extremely attached and really want this to work. I adore him. I'm going crazy thinking about all of this. I try to talk to him and he's not available. He tends to shut down when he gets sad. Maybe "shut down" is the wrong term. He shies away. He's pulling away now and it's breaking my heart.
I just found out today that I may be leaving in 2 weeks. That kills me for 2 reasons. A) I won't get to have my weekend with him. B) I don't feel that I'll be ready to handle the state of that store in only 2 weeks. That 3rd week was going to really get me prepared. That 3rd week was also going to allow he and I to spend time together, with no interruptions and really discuss our situation.
I'll find out in a few days, which is insane for another reason. I need to have an exact date so that I can tell the apt complex. I need to be able to make my deposit as well as pay my rent up front. They're killing me with this crap. I'm thankful though, My Jamesy and BJ have both promised to help me move, as long as I'm moving during the weekend. I REALLY hope it's during the weekend that I move. I'll be insane otherwise, trying to move all by myself. Not cool.
"You so know me, pinch me gently, I can hardly breathe."
He is We is one of my new favorite bands just for the fact that her voice makes me melt. Her harmonies make my soul leap forth in happiness, even though they're minor chords (my favorite chords of all!) I've decided that minor chords make for the most beautiful melancholies. I'm feeling rather melancholy, therefore it's quite fitting.
Signing off...
Me
So, if this is my choice and what I really want, why am I so damn attached? It's eating me up inside that we're going to call it quits once I move. I know that neither of us can handle this distance. I also know that we both are extremely attached and really want this to work. I adore him. I'm going crazy thinking about all of this. I try to talk to him and he's not available. He tends to shut down when he gets sad. Maybe "shut down" is the wrong term. He shies away. He's pulling away now and it's breaking my heart.
I just found out today that I may be leaving in 2 weeks. That kills me for 2 reasons. A) I won't get to have my weekend with him. B) I don't feel that I'll be ready to handle the state of that store in only 2 weeks. That 3rd week was going to really get me prepared. That 3rd week was also going to allow he and I to spend time together, with no interruptions and really discuss our situation.
I'll find out in a few days, which is insane for another reason. I need to have an exact date so that I can tell the apt complex. I need to be able to make my deposit as well as pay my rent up front. They're killing me with this crap. I'm thankful though, My Jamesy and BJ have both promised to help me move, as long as I'm moving during the weekend. I REALLY hope it's during the weekend that I move. I'll be insane otherwise, trying to move all by myself. Not cool.
"You so know me, pinch me gently, I can hardly breathe."
He is We is one of my new favorite bands just for the fact that her voice makes me melt. Her harmonies make my soul leap forth in happiness, even though they're minor chords (my favorite chords of all!) I've decided that minor chords make for the most beautiful melancholies. I'm feeling rather melancholy, therefore it's quite fitting.
Signing off...
Me
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Life is a highway! I want to ride it all night long!!!
Well, life is racing forth and I'm doing my best to keep up.
The end of May came and I found out that I'd be moving to Abilene by July 5th. I'd start my MIT course at Jason's Deli and stay there until March, when I would move to Wichita Falls to open the new store. June 4th rolls around and I go on a first date with a ridiculously awesome guy, who is just plain ridiculous. Michael. We spent our impromptu date sitting on the steps of the Tarrant County Courthouse in downtown Fort Worth. We walked all over downtown, had Jamba Juice, Marble Slab and just enjoyed each other. We sat on those steps for so long just talking and flirting and at one point, lying head to head. I was so comfortable with him but let him know my rules. No Love, No Relationship, No attachment. We agreed and moved on. We spent time at my favorite playground stargazing. After playing with his hair and being flirty, he finally rolled over and kissed me. :) I melted.
He's never had a girlfriend or anything, so not getting attached wouldn't be hard for him. He didn't want a relationship, so we're cool there too. We spent the entire month of June together. Watching movies, going to dinner, just kicking back at his place with his roommates, having fun. We both started to feel attached. It was rough. The end of the month came and I was getting my move together. He came to see me a few times, helped me clean my car even. Then, the day came that I had to actually leave. We discussed that we really were super attached and really wanted to try to make this work, though we weren't sure how to do so. After my schedule was decided, we figured out that I'd come out to Fort Worth every 2 weeks and when he had money, he'd come see me.
SPEED BUMP!!!!
I found an apartment here in Abilene. The next day, I was planning to go sign the lease and put my deposit down. Instead, I was asked to not do that. My big boss, let me know that they needed me to move to Midland at the end of my training. This meant that instead of working here in Abilene until March, I'd be leaving by the end of August/beginning of September. I told Michael and an instant sadness befell our conversation. He wasn't sure what to do or think about this new information. I wasn't aware of the fact that Midland puts me 5 hours from Fort Worth. I'm currently 2.5 hours from him. This was rough. He decided that we were too attached to not let this become something, but the distance will be too great for us to let it become something. So after a week of deliberating, we decided it was over. We would be friends, if we could. I was heading out to FW for the weekend and promised to leave him alone. After a friend date Saturday night, I messaged him. "I lied, I can't stay away" We met up at his place and talked. We hugged and kissed and each almost cried. We made the decision to stick it out until the second to last weekend of August. He'll be visiting me that weekend and we'll decide where to go from there.
So, he was telling someone he had a girlfriend (me) and then he'd told me about it. I asked him, "Oh really? A girlfriend huh?" "Oh crap!... you were supposed to miss that part." We are waiting until after his visit to decide on titles. So, our temporary titles are "Pseudo-Boyfriend" and "Quasi-Girlfriend". I love it. :)
The divorce hasn't gone through yet. Allen hasn't even begun the process, still. He threw me for a loop, when the day I started the MIT Program, he tells me he's going to start looking into it more seriously. That, of course, messed with my head. There's a lot going on right now, but I'm pushing on. I refuse to let this make me stumble. I refuse to fall on my face, all because he's pulling out all the punches.
This training is on it's 6th week and it's been so HARD! My catering manager is amazing! She's done more for me than I'd ever expected. When I worked in the deli the last time, I swore she wasn't a fan of mine. She's dedicated her time to helping me really excel with everything I'm doing. I'm so thankful for her. My District Manager is amazing. He has taken me under his wing and is really showing me compassion. He's working his magic to make me into an amazing leader/manager. I can't wait to see what I do with myself, after taking the advice of both he and the CM. I hope to be an amazing leader who inspires others to be better. I've never managed before, so this is a big risk they're taking. They have faith in me which is causing me to finally have faith in myself. I'm loving this feeling.
The next 3 weeks will be insane and rough, I'm ready for them (I think!). I've always been one for inspirational quotes, this is not something that will change anytime soon. I've covered my green folder (the folder with my tests, evaluations, questionnaires) in quotes that inspire me to be a better leader/better person. To remind myself that I'm doing this and I'm going to succeed. I think it's time to finally put my passion for people to the test. Here it comes!!! Here's looking at you kid! I'm going to rock it out there in Midland! I plan to inspire the people who work there, the way I've been inspired. I'm going to be exhausted, but it's going to be more than worth it.
LOOK OUT WORLD!!!!! HERE I COME!!!
The end of May came and I found out that I'd be moving to Abilene by July 5th. I'd start my MIT course at Jason's Deli and stay there until March, when I would move to Wichita Falls to open the new store. June 4th rolls around and I go on a first date with a ridiculously awesome guy, who is just plain ridiculous. Michael. We spent our impromptu date sitting on the steps of the Tarrant County Courthouse in downtown Fort Worth. We walked all over downtown, had Jamba Juice, Marble Slab and just enjoyed each other. We sat on those steps for so long just talking and flirting and at one point, lying head to head. I was so comfortable with him but let him know my rules. No Love, No Relationship, No attachment. We agreed and moved on. We spent time at my favorite playground stargazing. After playing with his hair and being flirty, he finally rolled over and kissed me. :) I melted.
He's never had a girlfriend or anything, so not getting attached wouldn't be hard for him. He didn't want a relationship, so we're cool there too. We spent the entire month of June together. Watching movies, going to dinner, just kicking back at his place with his roommates, having fun. We both started to feel attached. It was rough. The end of the month came and I was getting my move together. He came to see me a few times, helped me clean my car even. Then, the day came that I had to actually leave. We discussed that we really were super attached and really wanted to try to make this work, though we weren't sure how to do so. After my schedule was decided, we figured out that I'd come out to Fort Worth every 2 weeks and when he had money, he'd come see me.
SPEED BUMP!!!!
I found an apartment here in Abilene. The next day, I was planning to go sign the lease and put my deposit down. Instead, I was asked to not do that. My big boss, let me know that they needed me to move to Midland at the end of my training. This meant that instead of working here in Abilene until March, I'd be leaving by the end of August/beginning of September. I told Michael and an instant sadness befell our conversation. He wasn't sure what to do or think about this new information. I wasn't aware of the fact that Midland puts me 5 hours from Fort Worth. I'm currently 2.5 hours from him. This was rough. He decided that we were too attached to not let this become something, but the distance will be too great for us to let it become something. So after a week of deliberating, we decided it was over. We would be friends, if we could. I was heading out to FW for the weekend and promised to leave him alone. After a friend date Saturday night, I messaged him. "I lied, I can't stay away" We met up at his place and talked. We hugged and kissed and each almost cried. We made the decision to stick it out until the second to last weekend of August. He'll be visiting me that weekend and we'll decide where to go from there.
So, he was telling someone he had a girlfriend (me) and then he'd told me about it. I asked him, "Oh really? A girlfriend huh?" "Oh crap!... you were supposed to miss that part." We are waiting until after his visit to decide on titles. So, our temporary titles are "Pseudo-Boyfriend" and "Quasi-Girlfriend". I love it. :)
The divorce hasn't gone through yet. Allen hasn't even begun the process, still. He threw me for a loop, when the day I started the MIT Program, he tells me he's going to start looking into it more seriously. That, of course, messed with my head. There's a lot going on right now, but I'm pushing on. I refuse to let this make me stumble. I refuse to fall on my face, all because he's pulling out all the punches.
This training is on it's 6th week and it's been so HARD! My catering manager is amazing! She's done more for me than I'd ever expected. When I worked in the deli the last time, I swore she wasn't a fan of mine. She's dedicated her time to helping me really excel with everything I'm doing. I'm so thankful for her. My District Manager is amazing. He has taken me under his wing and is really showing me compassion. He's working his magic to make me into an amazing leader/manager. I can't wait to see what I do with myself, after taking the advice of both he and the CM. I hope to be an amazing leader who inspires others to be better. I've never managed before, so this is a big risk they're taking. They have faith in me which is causing me to finally have faith in myself. I'm loving this feeling.
The next 3 weeks will be insane and rough, I'm ready for them (I think!). I've always been one for inspirational quotes, this is not something that will change anytime soon. I've covered my green folder (the folder with my tests, evaluations, questionnaires) in quotes that inspire me to be a better leader/better person. To remind myself that I'm doing this and I'm going to succeed. I think it's time to finally put my passion for people to the test. Here it comes!!! Here's looking at you kid! I'm going to rock it out there in Midland! I plan to inspire the people who work there, the way I've been inspired. I'm going to be exhausted, but it's going to be more than worth it.
LOOK OUT WORLD!!!!! HERE I COME!!!
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