The message that changed my life

Just when I thought it was safe to disable...
Oct 28, 2010 – 8:05pm
Well, I certainly am glad that I had second thoughts about disabling my profile! Discouraged by the lack of interesting matches in Amarillo, I decided to stop looking. Now, I am seriously kicking myself, because I may have missed out on seeing your profile.

I am truly horrible at writing introduction e-mails. I keep wanting to gush about how interesting you sound, about the things we have in common, etc... Maybe instead, I'll just get meta and write about writing those things? :)

I'm very in touch with the local music scene, and have recently started performing my own stuff at open mic nights. I'm a computer programmer by profession, but music has always been an interest of mine. One of the things I have enjoyed about living here is that I've been able to become friends with some really talented people, who have encouraged and helped me with music.

I'm originally from Portland, Oregon (home to our mutual author-of-interest Chuck Palahniuk). I started traveling around the country in 2005, in search of fame and fortune. I found a little fortune, but the only Fame so far has been the Bowie song. I ended up here in Amarillo almost two years ago, after brief stints in Williamsburg, VA and Ft. Worth.

If you would, check out my profile - I think it may be as long as yours! ;) I actually really like the length of your profile, it is very uncommon around these parts to see a profile of any great depth.

Cheers!
Josh

The most comforting feeling

When I married Allen, I thought I was in it for life. I honestly thought that I deserved to be treated the way he treated me. I honestly thought that I wasn't good enough to be loved any other way.

Shortly after our separation, I'd joined a dating site to see if I could meet anyone worthwhile. I met a few really nice guys, some creeps and a few weirdos. After living in Odessa for only 6 weeks I was asked to move to Amarillo, in 2 weeks. So, that night, I changed my location on the dating site from Odessa to Amarillo. I figured "Why not? May as well start looking there now!". The next morning, I checked my e-mail, only to find a message from someone on the site. WOW! That happened rather quickly!

When I opened the message, I had no idea that I'd be reading the words of the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

After texting for a day, we decided to talk on the phone. That first conversation lasted nearly 6 hours, straight! After that, our talks were no less than 3 hours. I fell for him instantly! He made my heart race, my head spin, my knees were weak, just talking to him. He was deeply damaged by his marriage, just as I was. He's 7 years older than myself and is a programmer. He's the most intelligent man I've ever dated. EVER. A week after that first contact, we had our first date, here in Amarillo, after I spent the day searching for an apartment. We went to a place called The 806 and watched this crazy awesome rock-a-billy-brass band play. They were fantastic! After about 15 minutes, we were sitting so close that he put his arm around me, then we started holding hands. I remember the feeling of his nose, pressed against my scalp, taking in my scent. Suddenly, I knew that I was right where I was meant to be. Nothing could ruin that moment in time. I really hope that that memory never escapes me. It was the sweetest feeling I've ever felt and I'd hate to lose that. We left and went to a park to sit in the car and talk. We made out for a bit and I didn't feel bad for it at all.

I fell in love instantly. Every time we were talking I had the urge to tell him I loved him, which I knew was crazy. So, instead of I love you, I'd say *Rawr*. We both love dinosaurs, and there's a saying that says "Rawr means "I love you" in Dinosaur!". I accidentally let that slip after I said "Rawr!" to him. How embarrassing!! :)

After moving here, things got even better between us. We have amazing conversations, still, after almost 7 months together. He understands my depression, just as I understand his. We went to Oregon together and that was a big test of our strength. We passed with flying colors! We went to Oregon after being together less than a month. I wasn't so sure it was a good idea, but afterwards, I knew I'd be with him forever. While we were there, we started talking about "We need to move to Oregon in a few years" "When we move here, we're going to get an apartment here" etc. We both knew.

Now, 7 months later, we practically live together, my place is basically a closet, lol. We've decided to move in together around the end of November/early December. This really is the beginning of my life. After only about 2 months, we were talking kids. He wasn't sure that he wanted kids even though I've known I was meant to be a mommy ever since I was about 4 years old. After he'd told me this, I decided that I could live without having a child. I could have a joyous life without being a mommy. (I was lying to myself) A few weeks after he'd told me this, in a very serious, heart wrenching conversation(we both cried), he looked me in the eye and said he could see himself having kids. He wants to have at least one child and he only wants me to be their mother. My heart swelled to 3 sizes too big. I couldn't believe my ears. I told him that I'd been lying to myself. I knew that he was who I was meant to be with, period. There's no doubt in my mind. Children or no children, he's the man I'm going to grow old with. We may never marry. We may get married in a year or so. Who knows? All we know is that we plan to be together, through thick and thin. We've already had a few obstacles to overcome and we did it. We got through it.

People say that a relationship is hard work. This is the first relationship that I've ever been in, where the work isn't hard at all. I understand him. He understands me. We see eachother, completely, warts and all. I know that he can come home and seem slightly autistic for awhile. I've learned how to behave around him during those times. When he comes home and I can sense that he's in "programmer mode", I know to give him a quick hug and kiss, ask about his day, and then let him unwind. The other days, I can practically jump on him, kissing him all over and just start talking away. When he says or does something that I take the wrong way, he actually apologizes. Allen never once apologized for upsetting me or making me feel like shit. Josh apologizes anytime he feels he's wronged me, in any way, even when he hasn't. We tell each other that we love one another often. It's not just a phrase we toss out, it always comes from the heart. I leave him notes in his office or under his keys. I loved doing that because I know that he appreciates them as well as enjoys receiving them. When he discovers a note in the morning before leaving for work, he comes in the room to kiss me goodbye and he's got this sweet look in his eyes. It just makes my heart melt.

When you've found the person you know you're supposed to be with, forever, it's so incredibly comforting. I grew up believing I'd die alone. I think that that's why I never thought I deserved better than Allen. I really was naive.

I hate this feeling

I hate how much I miss you sometimes. Thanks to you, I felt worthless and stupid all the time. Thanks to you, my heart is fucked up. Thanks to you, I'm afraid, everyday, to express the feelings I feel, because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of doing the rejecting as well. I HATE YOU!!!!! You fucked me up so badly!!

Why is it, then, that when I see a picture of you, I long to touch your cheek, smell your neck, run my fingers through your hair. You are familiar. You are that comfort blanket made of familiarity. The one thing I need to rid myself of. I hate that I loved you so much, only to find out what a liar you were. I hate that I still harbor tiny slivers of love for you. You crushed me. You turned me into a whimpering, sloppy, idiot who couldn't think straight for so long.

I'm falling really hard for someone, yet I find myself pushing that thought out of my head. I'm too afraid to be loved or do the loving. I want nothing more than to be loved and appreciated for everything that I have to offer. I have SO MUCH to offer and you couldn't see that!! He sees it though! He sees my independence, my free spirit, my intellect. He sees it all, yet, he still wants to be with me. He sees how imperfect I am. My crazy bed head, terribly morning breath and my horrible sleeping habits ( I roll over and crush the poor guy!). Yet, he still wants ME.

I hate you. I want to love him. I want to someday tell him that I love him and that I knew I loved him the night I went to his house, after promising to leave him alone. When he looked on the verge of tears and we hugged and talked and spoke of how much we missed one another. I want him to know every little feeling I have. All of this is the truth, but sadly, he's not a "feelings" person. I want love, passion, open expressions, sincere sharing, and emotion. So much emotion it makes people nauseated. Who knows what I'll actually get in life? I have so much life to live it's not even funny! I better get started.

First place to start, is to kick you out. You're nothing to me. I can't think of you that way. I can't miss you. I have to rid myself of our wedding pictures. We don't have kids. I no longer have to hold onto those things. It makes my heart feel as though it's just been stabbed though. I hate you and I hate this.

One year later... 9/15/09-9/15/10

So. It's been an entire year since the separation. SO many things have happened and my life is forever changed. When it all happened, I figured my life was over. I'm now going to walk around wearing a Scarlet D for Divorcée and be scoffed at for being so young. Sitting in a living room, with Amber and Crystal (my saving graces!!!) I made the very strong statement that I would be back in Avignon by this time.

Apparently I was mistaken. I should be upset by this slight glitch in my plan, instead, I'm excited and can't wait to see where this all leads. I've met SO many people I never would have met had I not gone through my ridiculous depression. I've made more friends in this last year than I've had in my entire life. I've always had many acquaintances, but I've never been one to make friends easily. The people I've met in the last 2 years are ones I'd have a VERY hard time giving up. We may not talk daily, but we keep in contact. I watch their facebook updates and they mine. I'm so very thankful for all of them. They've all been so detrimental to my recovery and my growing confidence. I can't believe I allowed myself to believe the things I did. They don't see me that way, why should I??

Also, had I gone to Avignon, I never would have known what a "difference maker" I am. Not my words, but my bosses'. The people I work for seem to believe that I have what it takes to truly make a difference in peoples lives. I always wanted to believe that, but if I couldn't fix my life, how was I supposed to help anyone else? Thanks to them, I'm repairing my life and still slowly but surely, enabling others to repair theirs in small ways. Many small steps are better than a few big ones in my opinion. :)

There are so many things I never would have experienced if I'd been working to move to France. I never would have found out things about my failed marriage I was unaware of. I never would have learned so much about myself as a woman/human being. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to work for Kirk in his office and really see what kindness is all about. I consider myself extremely fortunate for the opportunities afforded me.

Now that that's said and done, I think it's time to work towards France. However, I think a more reasonable goal of 2 years from now is in order. If I'm able to reach my goal before then, so be it. Otherwise, I'm aiming for two years from now. Hopefully I'll have someone to go with, if not, I don't mind checking out the area by myself. Who knows, maybe I'll go for a month and once again, fall head over heels for the place (like I've ever fallen OUT of love with it) and decide that this time, I'm actually going to stay. I refuse to come home for "love" or obligation like I did last time. Never again. I'm going for myself and that's that! :)


Ahhh, it feels good to get that out finally. It's now time for bed, to prepare for two EXTREMELY long days ahead of me. I work 11-cl tomorrow, which usually means 11-11 then I'll do a turn around and be back up there at 6 to open, until about 4 and then I'll shower and race my way to Fort Worth for the weekend. A get away! If I'm really lucky, John and Sergio will let me go early. I REALLY hope so.... just 3 o'clock...that's all I'm asking.. :)

Here's to an amazing future, an amazing life, and all the love the world has to offer.

E

I'll show you!!!

Why is it, when I feel pretty confident and only slightly frazzled, that he decides to throw a curve ball and once again remind me of my worthlessness. Well, the worthlessness I possess, in his opinion. WHY??? Our phone call today reminded me why it's a great thing we're separated/divorcing. He makes me feel so insignificant, worthless and just plain crappy. He knows he's doing it, too. I think that's what makes it worse! He told me he's done with me. He's done being my friend. I need to find a cell phone carrier and get car insurance bc he's booting me off of both very soon. He also told me that I've taken all of his friends from him, like BJ and James, so I can have that too he guesses. WHAT??? I'm so lost!!

I lost my shit. I was trying to remain calm up front at work, but started to lose it. So, I walked back to the freezer and lost it. I began to hyperventilate and tried not to cry so as not to make my face too red. After about 5 minutes of sobbing and trying to breathe, I gathered my composure and walked back out to the line and just went about my business. No one asked me anything, even the people who had watched me lose it. They kept to themselves and let me be. I'm thankful for them. If it weren't for them, leaving me alone, never asking if I was ok, I'd have lost my shit in the middle of the rush.

I feel as though I'm losing my mind. Everyone tells me to just leave him in the dust. Get rid of any of his crap that's in the storage unit. Tell him to shove off. Let him go completely. I'm not like him though. I can't just cut ties and no longer care. I can't be mean and not feel guilty for it. I'm too nice and I'm trying to work on it. I'm slowly growing out of my doormat shell.


Here's to an easy life, a grand adventure and a soundtrack worthy of Hollywood.

Liza B.

Pardon Me

Today was a rather humbling. I was shown that I don't know everything there is to know about a particular position at work. It was the position I worked EVERY night for 8 months at the Deli. I thought I knew it! Turns out, day time Delco is a different beast from night time Delco. We do our finishing touches (bag lists and catering stuff) at the end of the night. During the day, you do it at the very beginning. I'm working the Delco position for the rest of the week so that I can have it down pat. It was definitely a humbling experience and I'm so very thankful for it. Jessica can come across as mean, but she's the sweetest person you'll ever work with, unless you cross her. Don't cross her.

Talking to Lowell, the DM, today was eye opening. Apparently my bosses see me as an inspiration. They feel I'll be inspirational for the girls in Odessa. Apparently, my age, divorce and desire to work and travel all mean a lot to the big bosses. They think that I'll be able to guide some of the girls out there and show them that it's possible. I'll be a strong and positive influence for them. I can't wait. :) Talk about a HUGE compliment!

I also found out that the owner thinks so much of me that he's not going to make me pay back the loan he gave me. WHAT?!?!?! I started crying when Lowell told me that. He gave me a big hug then I had to walk away. I went to the office and cried a little, lol. I felt slightly ridiculous but I'm SO grateful! I'm still in shock over it. :)

I have a friend, named Rob, who is miserable. He has nothing positive to say. He thinks my life so cushy and easy because good things, like the above, happen to me. What he doesn't understand is that it's all about the power of positivity! Yes, I get down. I get sad, I let things tear me up. Who doesn't?? However, the difference between he and I, is the fact that I don't stay down. I refuse to be angry and bitter all the time. I've had a lot of crap happen to me since I was a kid. Things adults shouldn't be exposed to. It happened and I'm alive, so I'm ok. I refuse to be upset by it. I'm not going to be bitter and make excuses for everything that goes wrong. I either made a mistake or it just wasn't meant to be. When good things happen, I'm shocked. I feel undeserving and appreciative to the -nth degree. Negative people live with a "Why me" attitude. "My car broke down! Why me?" "My job added a new duty, why me??" Positive people live with a different "why me" attitude. "I was given a raise? What did I do to be deserving of this?" "I met the man of my dreams. How did I get so lucky??" When bad things happen, they think: "Well, this is just one of those things that happens. It sucks, but new breaks are necessary" "It's part of the job I get paid to do. So be it!" It's all in how you see life. :) Good things happen to those who live positive lives. I'm a firm believer.

E

Sigh worthy...

*sigh* I love my job. My job is gong to be my career. I may not continue with Jason's Deli in 5 years, but I'll be managing restaurants and hopefully one day owning my own. This is the path I've chosen for my life. Lots of travelling and being uprooted.

So, if this is my choice and what I really want, why am I so damn attached? It's eating me up inside that we're going to call it quits once I move. I know that neither of us can handle this distance. I also know that we both are extremely attached and really want this to work. I adore him. I'm going crazy thinking about all of this. I try to talk to him and he's not available. He tends to shut down when he gets sad. Maybe "shut down" is the wrong term. He shies away. He's pulling away now and it's breaking my heart.

I just found out today that I may be leaving in 2 weeks. That kills me for 2 reasons. A) I won't get to have my weekend with him. B) I don't feel that I'll be ready to handle the state of that store in only 2 weeks. That 3rd week was going to really get me prepared. That 3rd week was also going to allow he and I to spend time together, with no interruptions and really discuss our situation.


I'll find out in a few days, which is insane for another reason. I need to have an exact date so that I can tell the apt complex. I need to be able to make my deposit as well as pay my rent up front. They're killing me with this crap. I'm thankful though, My Jamesy and BJ have both promised to help me move, as long as I'm moving during the weekend. I REALLY hope it's during the weekend that I move. I'll be insane otherwise, trying to move all by myself. Not cool.

"You so know me, pinch me gently, I can hardly breathe."

He is We is one of my new favorite bands just for the fact that her voice makes me melt. Her harmonies make my soul leap forth in happiness, even though they're minor chords (my favorite chords of all!) I've decided that minor chords make for the most beautiful melancholies. I'm feeling rather melancholy, therefore it's quite fitting.

Signing off...

Me