Lyrics to 2 of my absolute favorite "love" songs. They don't meet the standard criteria of love songs. They are slow and romantic. They tell about things most love songs aren't really about. It's about the little quirky things. I don't know about most people, but for me, it's about the quirky, odd eccentricities that make someone who they are. That's what makes me fall in love with someone. Not money, beauty, composure, or even things that they own. I couldn't care less about your house or apartment. I don't care if you have the latest fashion trends in your closet. I'm not falling in love with your clothes, home or car. I'm falling in love with you. The you that only I can see. The one who uses the word cute all the time, who ought to buy a thesaurus because you can only think of "A" words to describe me (i.e. awesome, amazing, adorable...lol) :) I'm falling head over heels for the you who is freakishly passionate about a TV show. The you who loves the little things. The you who makes me feel more special and important than I've ever felt before. Not with gifts or dinners, but with attention. The way you brush my hair out of my eyes (which, inevitably falls right back into position), the way you caress my cheek with the lightest touch, as though I'm a porcelain doll. That's what makes me fall.....
"Hey, Soul Sister"
Heeey heeeey heeeeey
Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moving
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeey
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind le me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Well you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I cant be
I want the world to see you'll be with me
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
"Be Still My Heart"
I was running late for work
So I didn't change my shirt
The evening's drinks left a lingering taste in my mouth
And when I left
You were fast asleep
Tangled in the sheets
And on the bus I could have sworn it was all a dream
And it didn't happen to me
And then I felt the scrapes
From the slippery subway grate.
Oh how you laughed
At my complete lack of grace.
But I could not recall
A more perfect fall
Cause when I looked up into your eyes
It didn't hurt at all.
And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.
And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
I'll catch you
I'm going to Wichita Falls. The actual date of moving is up in the air, but I know it'll be between September and November depending on when the Jason's Deli actually opens. I'm SO excited! However, my excitement is slightly dampened by me new relationship status. He's right, what are we going to do when this time comes? I reminded him "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it".
Sadly though, I'm unable to write much more. I must be off to work now. Wish me few bruises!!
Sadly though, I'm unable to write much more. I must be off to work now. Wish me few bruises!!
Be still my heart / this could be a brand new start / with you
Life has a funny way of telling us off. I planned my time out perfectly. I'd move in with my parents and work my face off until the hopeful move to Wichita Falls. I planned to date around, meet new guys, have fun, nothing serious. Then Matt came along and threw a wrench in it all. After our first date, I knew there was something super special about this guy. The fact that he was willing to take things slow and really let me soak it all up was a major plus for me. Our first kiss, as he likes to say, "sums up everything about us". That kiss lasted forever, and when we'd step back from each other, we just had to dive back in for more. We were slow and deliberate, none of that over-sexed-irrational-lip-placement for us. It was deep and sweet. His hands touching my face and neck causing my knees to quake.
Today, I decided to be 12 years old again. I told him "While I know I can't shout it from the rooftops, tell my entire family about you or even be completely open with everyone because I know they'll freak since I'm still married; I want to be with you. I just, I want to know, I mean..... Would you like to be my boyfriend???" I began blushing because he suddenly started laughing which caused me to giggle like crazy and cover my fear to hide my embarrassment. He said "Of course I would. I'm not laughing at you, by the way. I'm laughing at the whole situation and how cute you are. That's THE cutest thing I've EVER seen before." This all happened in the middle of a kind of loud pizza place. I'm such a dork, haha. :) After pizza (amazing Steak and Cheese with horseradish sauce) we went to my absolute favorite playground (EVER) and talked. We really got a lot out on the table and it was refreshing. This particular playground seems to make the feelings and deep intellect just come flying out. We sat on the equipment and talked about "us" and worries, etc. Then we hopped on the swings. I've been saying that I just need to swing, for awhile now. I've just not gone and done it. I'm so thankful I was able to tonight. I've found that swinging is my favorite mind-clearing activity. All you have to do is, pump, push, breathe and let the wind fly through your tresses. I love to focus on the stars and just go, trying my hardest to reach them.
We talked while sitting on the swings and I told him about how insane and dysfunctional my family is. He told me how great and normal his family is. I've never had "normal". His dad is buying him his car, his parents are paying for his school. I started working at 14 to help with bills and keep my dad from having to spend his money on clothes and school supplies for me. Yes, mom and Rick have helped me financially when I first moved out, but that's only because they had inheritance money. I paid for my '96 Geo Tracker and I recently paid off my '04 Chevy Aveo. I think I have an idea about why his mom isn't a big fan of mine. She knows I'm not from money and I think she worries I'm going to use her son for his/their money. I couldn't care less about money or things.
I'll admit though, I felt quite simple and unsure of myself after learning more about his family and what his parents have done for him. I don't have money. I have almost no money. Everything I own, aside from clothing and a few key items I have, are in storage in Abilene being paid for by Allen. I'm feeling somewhat strange. When it comes to clothes, I own one (1) pair of jeans that actually fit and about 4 tops that actually fit. Everything else in my closet are far too big for me. I wear them though, because I have nothing else to wear. Therefore I look dumpy half the time and the other half of the time, I'm wearing the same 4 shirts constantly. Matt says he wants to take me shopping. I was flattered and slightly weirded out by that. Now I know that I REALLY can't except that, as badly as I want to. I'd feel like a charity case/a gold digger. I'm neither of those things. *sigh*
I need to get out of my head and stop worrying about everything. It'll all work itself out. In the meantime, I'm going to bask in the happiness that is having a new boyfriend. :)
E
Today, I decided to be 12 years old again. I told him "While I know I can't shout it from the rooftops, tell my entire family about you or even be completely open with everyone because I know they'll freak since I'm still married; I want to be with you. I just, I want to know, I mean..... Would you like to be my boyfriend???" I began blushing because he suddenly started laughing which caused me to giggle like crazy and cover my fear to hide my embarrassment. He said "Of course I would. I'm not laughing at you, by the way. I'm laughing at the whole situation and how cute you are. That's THE cutest thing I've EVER seen before." This all happened in the middle of a kind of loud pizza place. I'm such a dork, haha. :) After pizza (amazing Steak and Cheese with horseradish sauce) we went to my absolute favorite playground (EVER) and talked. We really got a lot out on the table and it was refreshing. This particular playground seems to make the feelings and deep intellect just come flying out. We sat on the equipment and talked about "us" and worries, etc. Then we hopped on the swings. I've been saying that I just need to swing, for awhile now. I've just not gone and done it. I'm so thankful I was able to tonight. I've found that swinging is my favorite mind-clearing activity. All you have to do is, pump, push, breathe and let the wind fly through your tresses. I love to focus on the stars and just go, trying my hardest to reach them.
We talked while sitting on the swings and I told him about how insane and dysfunctional my family is. He told me how great and normal his family is. I've never had "normal". His dad is buying him his car, his parents are paying for his school. I started working at 14 to help with bills and keep my dad from having to spend his money on clothes and school supplies for me. Yes, mom and Rick have helped me financially when I first moved out, but that's only because they had inheritance money. I paid for my '96 Geo Tracker and I recently paid off my '04 Chevy Aveo. I think I have an idea about why his mom isn't a big fan of mine. She knows I'm not from money and I think she worries I'm going to use her son for his/their money. I couldn't care less about money or things.
I'll admit though, I felt quite simple and unsure of myself after learning more about his family and what his parents have done for him. I don't have money. I have almost no money. Everything I own, aside from clothing and a few key items I have, are in storage in Abilene being paid for by Allen. I'm feeling somewhat strange. When it comes to clothes, I own one (1) pair of jeans that actually fit and about 4 tops that actually fit. Everything else in my closet are far too big for me. I wear them though, because I have nothing else to wear. Therefore I look dumpy half the time and the other half of the time, I'm wearing the same 4 shirts constantly. Matt says he wants to take me shopping. I was flattered and slightly weirded out by that. Now I know that I REALLY can't except that, as badly as I want to. I'd feel like a charity case/a gold digger. I'm neither of those things. *sigh*
I need to get out of my head and stop worrying about everything. It'll all work itself out. In the meantime, I'm going to bask in the happiness that is having a new boyfriend. :)
E
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tears...
I'm watching No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain. I've teared up a few times already. He's in Provence, France visiting St. Remy and all I'm seeing are my memories and my dreams passing me by.
I hadthe chance to stay. I dent take it. I'm determined to lose weight, I need to be determined to make my life there in the Provençal region. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'd never find a job(a permanent one) or that'd I'd get behind on my bills here in the states. I allow myself to become bogged down by everything that may or may not end my dreams. I'll wake up one of these days and realize how ridiculous I'm being. I think I'll go back to Anthony and cry a bit more before going to bed. I really miss my area of France.
I hadthe chance to stay. I dent take it. I'm determined to lose weight, I need to be determined to make my life there in the Provençal region. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'd never find a job(a permanent one) or that'd I'd get behind on my bills here in the states. I allow myself to become bogged down by everything that may or may not end my dreams. I'll wake up one of these days and realize how ridiculous I'm being. I think I'll go back to Anthony and cry a bit more before going to bed. I really miss my area of France.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
That Frankly Will Not Fly...
I can't seem to shut up these days. My entire adulthood has been spent with one man. ONE MAN! I know I'm only 25, but to go from 18-25 with one man then suddenly be cast aside, it's a transition to say the least. I try to refrain from talking about him, but any anecdote I may have includes him. Any interesting little story about something that happened to me in the last 6 years, includes him. He was there for all of it. I thought he'd be here for the rest of it, so I never thought I'd have to figure out a way to censor myself. I need to turn on my filter. Just as I tell Ben Morgan at work to turn his filter on, I too must insert the proverbial filter and let it do it's job. Ben has a problem with telling people exactly what he's thinking...even if it's very hurtful. He just figures they won't take it personally because he wouldn't. In other words, he's socially inept.
I need to filter him out of my everyday conversation. Turn him into *my friend* instead of *he who shall remain nameless*. I've hurt Matt a bit. I didn't realize just how embedded *he* is in my everyday conversation until Matt pointed it out. It really bothers him that we'll have entire conversations that practically revolve around *him*. I'll usually be talking about something that happened to me and *he* just happens to be an integral part of the story, as he is with most stories from my life in the last 6 years. I'm really going to make it a goal of mine to stop referring to him as *My husband*, *my ex* or *his name* and turn him into *My friend* or *an old friend*. I really want this to work with Matt and this is the only way I can think to do it. I know it may seem drastic, but he's not the only one I'm effecting with it. Everytime I talk about *him* I'm forcing myself to think of *him*, a lot. That's a painful thing for me. I need to stop. I know *he* and I are still friends, but *he's* just that, a friend. Nothing more, ever.
Enough about this subject. Moving on!
Today was the epitome of spring! It is so beautiful out right now and all I want to do is either swim or go play on a playground, but I need friends for that, I haven't any of those. At least none who believe playgrounds are ok to play on. Oh well, I guess I'll just go alone tonight after work. :) That and the gym. I hit 4 miles on the elliptical Sunday night. I thought I was going to die, but I did it!! :) I was SOOO proud of myself. Hell, I AM proud of myself! I'm 250 lbs. Most men and women my size couldn't do it, so I know I'm doing great! **CORRECTION!! I'm 245!!!!!!! 5 more lbs!!**
I'm working on self motivation.
I have Savannah, the sheer idea of my niece makes me want to be a better person. I'm not as great as everyone seems to think, I have many inner demons that I try to keep at bay. Having her on this earth has helped me beat many of them. She's my world :) She makes me want to be smarter, work harder and be a great example for her. I don't want her to think women have to be stay at home wives who do nothing all day. I don't want her to think that nagging your husband is the only want to live. I want her to know that she can be anything she wants. Being a Miss Priss isn't an ideal lifestyle choice. I try to teach her *dirty* things. Making crayons, playing in the mud, dancing in the rain. Things that are considered messy aren't allowed in her house, so I share them with her. I want to be an example of a strong woman. Right now, I'm failing, but I plan to make it up to her.
I have my dreams. I want so badly to be in France. Become an Ex-Pat and never look back (except to see my Vannah Pie of course). When I run, I look at pictures of things I aspire to. Whether they be places to live, people to know, people I love. Sometimes I look at my wedding pictures. I was at my heaviest at that time and those pictures gross me out. I was HUGE. I aspire to NEVER be that disgusting lump again. I'm slowly fading away from that girl and becoming a better woman.
I rely on the motivational words of friends and strangers. There's a guy who works out around the same time I do. Every time I see him, he talks to me telling me how intense I looked the last time and how he can see a difference between now and last December. He motivates me. I prefer going with David to the gym bc having him there means I'm not alone and I push myself to stay longer. When I go alone, I have no one to keep going for. Meaning, I don't feel obligated to stay longer so that they don't feel obligated to leave earlier. Sadly, our gym time has been taken away due to his shitty schedule. Now, I'm stuck working out alone. This makes it SO much harder for me to get in there. I don't have someone reminding me that I'm going to be thankful once the nights over. I just think about how exhausted I am and go on about my merry little way. Once again, I'm working on SELF motivation. *sigh*
I tried on an XL dress at Old Navy. I almost screamed when I realized that it fit me PERFECTLY. Every inch hung nicely. No rolls being grabbed, no seams being tugged. Just cotton, hanging serenely from my shoulders, hugging all the right curves and disguising all the wrong ones. I'm really feeling good for a change. I look in the mirror and still feel gross, but I feel LESS gross. Meaning I don't want to punch myself for being a lazy ass who looks like crap. Instead, I want to pat myself on the back for looking less like a lazy ass and more like a college kid who's put on the freshman 15. :)
Back to my filter. I feel I should just clam up for a bit. Allow others (mainly Matt) a chance to really express themselves. Apparently I have a lot of *Amazing stories*, however, telling those stories only causes more pain for certain people. So, I feel that clamming up and giving the stage to someone else is how I should do this. I'm really trying to not be as talkative in a public sense either. I really do talk to everyone and while it seems nice to me, it's been pointed out SEVERAL times by about 8 different people in the last week. I don't think people are comfortable with my talkative nature.
Ugh, I'm not really sure what I'm saying, I just know that I obviously need to make some big changes. So, big changes, here I come!!! Let's hope I can be successful.
E
I need to filter him out of my everyday conversation. Turn him into *my friend* instead of *he who shall remain nameless*. I've hurt Matt a bit. I didn't realize just how embedded *he* is in my everyday conversation until Matt pointed it out. It really bothers him that we'll have entire conversations that practically revolve around *him*. I'll usually be talking about something that happened to me and *he* just happens to be an integral part of the story, as he is with most stories from my life in the last 6 years. I'm really going to make it a goal of mine to stop referring to him as *My husband*, *my ex* or *his name* and turn him into *My friend* or *an old friend*. I really want this to work with Matt and this is the only way I can think to do it. I know it may seem drastic, but he's not the only one I'm effecting with it. Everytime I talk about *him* I'm forcing myself to think of *him*, a lot. That's a painful thing for me. I need to stop. I know *he* and I are still friends, but *he's* just that, a friend. Nothing more, ever.
Enough about this subject. Moving on!
Today was the epitome of spring! It is so beautiful out right now and all I want to do is either swim or go play on a playground, but I need friends for that, I haven't any of those. At least none who believe playgrounds are ok to play on. Oh well, I guess I'll just go alone tonight after work. :) That and the gym. I hit 4 miles on the elliptical Sunday night. I thought I was going to die, but I did it!! :) I was SOOO proud of myself. Hell, I AM proud of myself! I'm 250 lbs. Most men and women my size couldn't do it, so I know I'm doing great! **CORRECTION!! I'm 245!!!!!!! 5 more lbs!!**
I'm working on self motivation.
I have Savannah, the sheer idea of my niece makes me want to be a better person. I'm not as great as everyone seems to think, I have many inner demons that I try to keep at bay. Having her on this earth has helped me beat many of them. She's my world :) She makes me want to be smarter, work harder and be a great example for her. I don't want her to think women have to be stay at home wives who do nothing all day. I don't want her to think that nagging your husband is the only want to live. I want her to know that she can be anything she wants. Being a Miss Priss isn't an ideal lifestyle choice. I try to teach her *dirty* things. Making crayons, playing in the mud, dancing in the rain. Things that are considered messy aren't allowed in her house, so I share them with her. I want to be an example of a strong woman. Right now, I'm failing, but I plan to make it up to her.
I have my dreams. I want so badly to be in France. Become an Ex-Pat and never look back (except to see my Vannah Pie of course). When I run, I look at pictures of things I aspire to. Whether they be places to live, people to know, people I love. Sometimes I look at my wedding pictures. I was at my heaviest at that time and those pictures gross me out. I was HUGE. I aspire to NEVER be that disgusting lump again. I'm slowly fading away from that girl and becoming a better woman.
I rely on the motivational words of friends and strangers. There's a guy who works out around the same time I do. Every time I see him, he talks to me telling me how intense I looked the last time and how he can see a difference between now and last December. He motivates me. I prefer going with David to the gym bc having him there means I'm not alone and I push myself to stay longer. When I go alone, I have no one to keep going for. Meaning, I don't feel obligated to stay longer so that they don't feel obligated to leave earlier. Sadly, our gym time has been taken away due to his shitty schedule. Now, I'm stuck working out alone. This makes it SO much harder for me to get in there. I don't have someone reminding me that I'm going to be thankful once the nights over. I just think about how exhausted I am and go on about my merry little way. Once again, I'm working on SELF motivation. *sigh*
I tried on an XL dress at Old Navy. I almost screamed when I realized that it fit me PERFECTLY. Every inch hung nicely. No rolls being grabbed, no seams being tugged. Just cotton, hanging serenely from my shoulders, hugging all the right curves and disguising all the wrong ones. I'm really feeling good for a change. I look in the mirror and still feel gross, but I feel LESS gross. Meaning I don't want to punch myself for being a lazy ass who looks like crap. Instead, I want to pat myself on the back for looking less like a lazy ass and more like a college kid who's put on the freshman 15. :)
Back to my filter. I feel I should just clam up for a bit. Allow others (mainly Matt) a chance to really express themselves. Apparently I have a lot of *Amazing stories*, however, telling those stories only causes more pain for certain people. So, I feel that clamming up and giving the stage to someone else is how I should do this. I'm really trying to not be as talkative in a public sense either. I really do talk to everyone and while it seems nice to me, it's been pointed out SEVERAL times by about 8 different people in the last week. I don't think people are comfortable with my talkative nature.
Ugh, I'm not really sure what I'm saying, I just know that I obviously need to make some big changes. So, big changes, here I come!!! Let's hope I can be successful.
E
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Dancing is better when your day is just beginning....
I've found that if I start my day off with a silly dance, I'm happier for it. :) I wake up, groggy and not wanting to move, I scrape myself from between the sheets and make my way to the bathroom. I don't touch the lights, I just go straight to the shower to start the morning ritual of waiting for the hot water to arrive. I stay clothed while I plug my iphone into it's speaker and find the song of the week. Last week it was Carry Out by Timbaland and Justin Timberlake. The week before was all about Break Your Heart by Taio Cruz and Ludacris. Before that was Hey Soul Sister by Train, for a few weeks actually. This week, the song is Do Better by Say Anything. This is the song I plan to wake up to for at least a week, probably longer though. :)
The song of the week usually just makes me happy because the beat makes my body want to move. I'm always paying attention to lyrics, but sometimes, I just don't care if the lyrics are nothing but crap(Break Your Heart is the perfect example). I'm just looking for something to make me smile and dance around like a fool. This song is also my main theme for running that week. I can't wait to get on the elliptical tonight and watch as my face expresses my love of the lyrics. I've been told I can be pretty intense when I run, but that it's noticeable when I love the song I'm listening to. I've cried while running before, typically out of sheer anger. Hate on Me as sung by the Glee cast, has had that effect on me. I'm cool with it though. :) They're version of "Smile" by Lily Allen makes me run harder and smile wider. She talks about how he left her but wants her back now. She smiles when she sees him cry because he deserves the pain. :) I know it's vindictive but I can't resist loving it.
I'm feeling somewhat awkward these days. I'm coming into a new me. My body is changing and for the first time in my life, it's in a good way. Apparently I'm looking much better than even I can tell. I didn't realize. I'm getting hit on by friends and strangers alike. As I said, I feel awkward! I know that some of my friends have had crushes on me for awhile, but they know it'll never happen between us. however, finding out that a friend has a crush on me, and my other friend was very well aware, is strange. I was oblivious! David says he knew right off the bat because Jason stares at me every time we're all at the gym together and he asks a ton of questions about me. He wasn't very friendly towards David because he assumed my close friendship with David was actually a relationship. *sigh* David thinks it's hilarious that I'm only just now finding out when he's known all this time. Apparently I'm blind. Ugh....oh well! He knows I'm seeing someone and won't do anything to ruin it.
The song of the week usually just makes me happy because the beat makes my body want to move. I'm always paying attention to lyrics, but sometimes, I just don't care if the lyrics are nothing but crap(Break Your Heart is the perfect example). I'm just looking for something to make me smile and dance around like a fool. This song is also my main theme for running that week. I can't wait to get on the elliptical tonight and watch as my face expresses my love of the lyrics. I've been told I can be pretty intense when I run, but that it's noticeable when I love the song I'm listening to. I've cried while running before, typically out of sheer anger. Hate on Me as sung by the Glee cast, has had that effect on me. I'm cool with it though. :) They're version of "Smile" by Lily Allen makes me run harder and smile wider. She talks about how he left her but wants her back now. She smiles when she sees him cry because he deserves the pain. :) I know it's vindictive but I can't resist loving it.
I'm feeling somewhat awkward these days. I'm coming into a new me. My body is changing and for the first time in my life, it's in a good way. Apparently I'm looking much better than even I can tell. I didn't realize. I'm getting hit on by friends and strangers alike. As I said, I feel awkward! I know that some of my friends have had crushes on me for awhile, but they know it'll never happen between us. however, finding out that a friend has a crush on me, and my other friend was very well aware, is strange. I was oblivious! David says he knew right off the bat because Jason stares at me every time we're all at the gym together and he asks a ton of questions about me. He wasn't very friendly towards David because he assumed my close friendship with David was actually a relationship. *sigh* David thinks it's hilarious that I'm only just now finding out when he's known all this time. Apparently I'm blind. Ugh....oh well! He knows I'm seeing someone and won't do anything to ruin it.
Controversial yet mundane, Debra's Messing with your brain
I'm grinning from ear to ear. Life is good, even on a snowy night at the end of March. I'm happy. Thank you universe for giving happiness to me. I appreciate it more than I could ever show.
I've been handed a second chance that most would have no clue what to do with. I must admit, I've very much like the masses. I have no idea what I will do, but I know what I WANT to do.
I want to Live. I want to live for me, not for anyone else. I want to go to France in a year and a half. I'd rather go there to live, but there a lot of hoops to jump through, so I'll go to visit for a few months, then come back to the states. I want to live everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. I don't want a permanent home, I want to live in every place I come to for a short period of time. I don't want to travel and come back to a static location. I want to make every place I go, my home for that period of time. I would kill to be a nomad.
Then again, I dream of having a well paying, full time job, with a relationship that actually works. Someone who doesn't push me around emotionally. Someone who supports me and my endeavors and understands that we both sacrifice for the greater good of us. It's not a one person relationship. It's work, and requires attention and devotion.
You always find what you're looking for when you're not looking for it or when you don't know you need it.
I've been handed a second chance that most would have no clue what to do with. I must admit, I've very much like the masses. I have no idea what I will do, but I know what I WANT to do.
I want to Live. I want to live for me, not for anyone else. I want to go to France in a year and a half. I'd rather go there to live, but there a lot of hoops to jump through, so I'll go to visit for a few months, then come back to the states. I want to live everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. I don't want a permanent home, I want to live in every place I come to for a short period of time. I don't want to travel and come back to a static location. I want to make every place I go, my home for that period of time. I would kill to be a nomad.
Then again, I dream of having a well paying, full time job, with a relationship that actually works. Someone who doesn't push me around emotionally. Someone who supports me and my endeavors and understands that we both sacrifice for the greater good of us. It's not a one person relationship. It's work, and requires attention and devotion.
You always find what you're looking for when you're not looking for it or when you don't know you need it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Where does this road lead?
I've neglected this blog for quite awhile now. I'm wanting to come back to it though. Hopefully writing on here will prove cathartic. The separation was far more traumatizing than I could have ever imagined. However, it's also been the best thing to have ever happened to me. I'm slowly figuring out who I am. I no longer care about peoples approval, at least not to the point where I'm far too cautious anymore. I put a pink streak in my hair as a way to stand behind my step mom with her breast cancer. Before this, though, I never would have done it for fear that people would think less of me. Why do I care?? I know why I'm doing it and if they want to know, they'll ask! :) That's how I'm looking at things now. He left me and I thought it was the end of the world. I'd just lost 50 lbs in 2.5 months, then I gained 30 of it back in the first month of separation. I was a pit of despair! No more! I've lost that 30 lbs finally and am feeling amazing! I'm sore, but amazing. :) I work for FedEx unloading containers of freight, by hand. Sometimes the freight is light, other times it's up to 150lbs. It's a killer workout! I also run (on an elliptical) and have shaved 9 minutes off my 3 mile time. My goal is to get up to 10 miles in the next 3 months. Then, work on shaving that time down. I run on the elliptical because it's easiest on my knees, so I'm trying to work my way up to actual running, but only once I get my stamina up. I want to run a half marathon in a year.
During the day, I work in an office as an assistant to the ladies who run the office for the owner of 7 Jason's Delis. I used to be a supervisor in his Abilene store, but when I left he wanted me to stay with the company. They want to move me to Wichita Falls for their new store. The only catch is, I'm not exactly sure how they want to use me in the store. If it's a managerial position where I'll get salary pay, I'm totally down with that. If it's as an hourly employee/supervisory role, I can't. I want so badly to help them open this restaurant, I love this company and feel it an honor to be asked. However, if it's only hourly, I know I wouldn't be able to live on my own.
I've started dating. It's kind of scary but really nice at the same time. I've been on several dates with several people and have actually met some really amazing men.
I've written a lot so far, so I think I'll call it a night. I have work at 2240 tonight, I'll be done around 0257 probably, as per my usual, then it's off to run my 3 miles, maybe more if I'm feeling up to it. Have a great night!
EJT
"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being??" -- Oscar Wilde
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