I hate this feeling

I hate how much I miss you sometimes. Thanks to you, I felt worthless and stupid all the time. Thanks to you, my heart is fucked up. Thanks to you, I'm afraid, everyday, to express the feelings I feel, because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of doing the rejecting as well. I HATE YOU!!!!! You fucked me up so badly!!

Why is it, then, that when I see a picture of you, I long to touch your cheek, smell your neck, run my fingers through your hair. You are familiar. You are that comfort blanket made of familiarity. The one thing I need to rid myself of. I hate that I loved you so much, only to find out what a liar you were. I hate that I still harbor tiny slivers of love for you. You crushed me. You turned me into a whimpering, sloppy, idiot who couldn't think straight for so long.

I'm falling really hard for someone, yet I find myself pushing that thought out of my head. I'm too afraid to be loved or do the loving. I want nothing more than to be loved and appreciated for everything that I have to offer. I have SO MUCH to offer and you couldn't see that!! He sees it though! He sees my independence, my free spirit, my intellect. He sees it all, yet, he still wants to be with me. He sees how imperfect I am. My crazy bed head, terribly morning breath and my horrible sleeping habits ( I roll over and crush the poor guy!). Yet, he still wants ME.

I hate you. I want to love him. I want to someday tell him that I love him and that I knew I loved him the night I went to his house, after promising to leave him alone. When he looked on the verge of tears and we hugged and talked and spoke of how much we missed one another. I want him to know every little feeling I have. All of this is the truth, but sadly, he's not a "feelings" person. I want love, passion, open expressions, sincere sharing, and emotion. So much emotion it makes people nauseated. Who knows what I'll actually get in life? I have so much life to live it's not even funny! I better get started.

First place to start, is to kick you out. You're nothing to me. I can't think of you that way. I can't miss you. I have to rid myself of our wedding pictures. We don't have kids. I no longer have to hold onto those things. It makes my heart feel as though it's just been stabbed though. I hate you and I hate this.

One year later... 9/15/09-9/15/10

So. It's been an entire year since the separation. SO many things have happened and my life is forever changed. When it all happened, I figured my life was over. I'm now going to walk around wearing a Scarlet D for Divorcée and be scoffed at for being so young. Sitting in a living room, with Amber and Crystal (my saving graces!!!) I made the very strong statement that I would be back in Avignon by this time.

Apparently I was mistaken. I should be upset by this slight glitch in my plan, instead, I'm excited and can't wait to see where this all leads. I've met SO many people I never would have met had I not gone through my ridiculous depression. I've made more friends in this last year than I've had in my entire life. I've always had many acquaintances, but I've never been one to make friends easily. The people I've met in the last 2 years are ones I'd have a VERY hard time giving up. We may not talk daily, but we keep in contact. I watch their facebook updates and they mine. I'm so very thankful for all of them. They've all been so detrimental to my recovery and my growing confidence. I can't believe I allowed myself to believe the things I did. They don't see me that way, why should I??

Also, had I gone to Avignon, I never would have known what a "difference maker" I am. Not my words, but my bosses'. The people I work for seem to believe that I have what it takes to truly make a difference in peoples lives. I always wanted to believe that, but if I couldn't fix my life, how was I supposed to help anyone else? Thanks to them, I'm repairing my life and still slowly but surely, enabling others to repair theirs in small ways. Many small steps are better than a few big ones in my opinion. :)

There are so many things I never would have experienced if I'd been working to move to France. I never would have found out things about my failed marriage I was unaware of. I never would have learned so much about myself as a woman/human being. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to work for Kirk in his office and really see what kindness is all about. I consider myself extremely fortunate for the opportunities afforded me.

Now that that's said and done, I think it's time to work towards France. However, I think a more reasonable goal of 2 years from now is in order. If I'm able to reach my goal before then, so be it. Otherwise, I'm aiming for two years from now. Hopefully I'll have someone to go with, if not, I don't mind checking out the area by myself. Who knows, maybe I'll go for a month and once again, fall head over heels for the place (like I've ever fallen OUT of love with it) and decide that this time, I'm actually going to stay. I refuse to come home for "love" or obligation like I did last time. Never again. I'm going for myself and that's that! :)


Ahhh, it feels good to get that out finally. It's now time for bed, to prepare for two EXTREMELY long days ahead of me. I work 11-cl tomorrow, which usually means 11-11 then I'll do a turn around and be back up there at 6 to open, until about 4 and then I'll shower and race my way to Fort Worth for the weekend. A get away! If I'm really lucky, John and Sergio will let me go early. I REALLY hope so.... just 3 o'clock...that's all I'm asking.. :)

Here's to an amazing future, an amazing life, and all the love the world has to offer.

E

I'll show you!!!

Why is it, when I feel pretty confident and only slightly frazzled, that he decides to throw a curve ball and once again remind me of my worthlessness. Well, the worthlessness I possess, in his opinion. WHY??? Our phone call today reminded me why it's a great thing we're separated/divorcing. He makes me feel so insignificant, worthless and just plain crappy. He knows he's doing it, too. I think that's what makes it worse! He told me he's done with me. He's done being my friend. I need to find a cell phone carrier and get car insurance bc he's booting me off of both very soon. He also told me that I've taken all of his friends from him, like BJ and James, so I can have that too he guesses. WHAT??? I'm so lost!!

I lost my shit. I was trying to remain calm up front at work, but started to lose it. So, I walked back to the freezer and lost it. I began to hyperventilate and tried not to cry so as not to make my face too red. After about 5 minutes of sobbing and trying to breathe, I gathered my composure and walked back out to the line and just went about my business. No one asked me anything, even the people who had watched me lose it. They kept to themselves and let me be. I'm thankful for them. If it weren't for them, leaving me alone, never asking if I was ok, I'd have lost my shit in the middle of the rush.

I feel as though I'm losing my mind. Everyone tells me to just leave him in the dust. Get rid of any of his crap that's in the storage unit. Tell him to shove off. Let him go completely. I'm not like him though. I can't just cut ties and no longer care. I can't be mean and not feel guilty for it. I'm too nice and I'm trying to work on it. I'm slowly growing out of my doormat shell.


Here's to an easy life, a grand adventure and a soundtrack worthy of Hollywood.

Liza B.

Pardon Me

Today was a rather humbling. I was shown that I don't know everything there is to know about a particular position at work. It was the position I worked EVERY night for 8 months at the Deli. I thought I knew it! Turns out, day time Delco is a different beast from night time Delco. We do our finishing touches (bag lists and catering stuff) at the end of the night. During the day, you do it at the very beginning. I'm working the Delco position for the rest of the week so that I can have it down pat. It was definitely a humbling experience and I'm so very thankful for it. Jessica can come across as mean, but she's the sweetest person you'll ever work with, unless you cross her. Don't cross her.

Talking to Lowell, the DM, today was eye opening. Apparently my bosses see me as an inspiration. They feel I'll be inspirational for the girls in Odessa. Apparently, my age, divorce and desire to work and travel all mean a lot to the big bosses. They think that I'll be able to guide some of the girls out there and show them that it's possible. I'll be a strong and positive influence for them. I can't wait. :) Talk about a HUGE compliment!

I also found out that the owner thinks so much of me that he's not going to make me pay back the loan he gave me. WHAT?!?!?! I started crying when Lowell told me that. He gave me a big hug then I had to walk away. I went to the office and cried a little, lol. I felt slightly ridiculous but I'm SO grateful! I'm still in shock over it. :)

I have a friend, named Rob, who is miserable. He has nothing positive to say. He thinks my life so cushy and easy because good things, like the above, happen to me. What he doesn't understand is that it's all about the power of positivity! Yes, I get down. I get sad, I let things tear me up. Who doesn't?? However, the difference between he and I, is the fact that I don't stay down. I refuse to be angry and bitter all the time. I've had a lot of crap happen to me since I was a kid. Things adults shouldn't be exposed to. It happened and I'm alive, so I'm ok. I refuse to be upset by it. I'm not going to be bitter and make excuses for everything that goes wrong. I either made a mistake or it just wasn't meant to be. When good things happen, I'm shocked. I feel undeserving and appreciative to the -nth degree. Negative people live with a "Why me" attitude. "My car broke down! Why me?" "My job added a new duty, why me??" Positive people live with a different "why me" attitude. "I was given a raise? What did I do to be deserving of this?" "I met the man of my dreams. How did I get so lucky??" When bad things happen, they think: "Well, this is just one of those things that happens. It sucks, but new breaks are necessary" "It's part of the job I get paid to do. So be it!" It's all in how you see life. :) Good things happen to those who live positive lives. I'm a firm believer.

E

Sigh worthy...

*sigh* I love my job. My job is gong to be my career. I may not continue with Jason's Deli in 5 years, but I'll be managing restaurants and hopefully one day owning my own. This is the path I've chosen for my life. Lots of travelling and being uprooted.

So, if this is my choice and what I really want, why am I so damn attached? It's eating me up inside that we're going to call it quits once I move. I know that neither of us can handle this distance. I also know that we both are extremely attached and really want this to work. I adore him. I'm going crazy thinking about all of this. I try to talk to him and he's not available. He tends to shut down when he gets sad. Maybe "shut down" is the wrong term. He shies away. He's pulling away now and it's breaking my heart.

I just found out today that I may be leaving in 2 weeks. That kills me for 2 reasons. A) I won't get to have my weekend with him. B) I don't feel that I'll be ready to handle the state of that store in only 2 weeks. That 3rd week was going to really get me prepared. That 3rd week was also going to allow he and I to spend time together, with no interruptions and really discuss our situation.


I'll find out in a few days, which is insane for another reason. I need to have an exact date so that I can tell the apt complex. I need to be able to make my deposit as well as pay my rent up front. They're killing me with this crap. I'm thankful though, My Jamesy and BJ have both promised to help me move, as long as I'm moving during the weekend. I REALLY hope it's during the weekend that I move. I'll be insane otherwise, trying to move all by myself. Not cool.

"You so know me, pinch me gently, I can hardly breathe."

He is We is one of my new favorite bands just for the fact that her voice makes me melt. Her harmonies make my soul leap forth in happiness, even though they're minor chords (my favorite chords of all!) I've decided that minor chords make for the most beautiful melancholies. I'm feeling rather melancholy, therefore it's quite fitting.

Signing off...

Me

Life is a highway! I want to ride it all night long!!!

Well, life is racing forth and I'm doing my best to keep up.

   The end of May came and I found out that I'd be moving to Abilene by July 5th.  I'd start my MIT course at Jason's Deli and stay there until March, when I would move to Wichita Falls to open the new store.  June 4th rolls around and I go on a first date with a ridiculously awesome guy, who is just plain ridiculous. Michael. We spent our impromptu date sitting on the steps of the Tarrant County Courthouse in downtown Fort Worth.  We walked all over downtown, had Jamba Juice, Marble Slab and just enjoyed each other.  We sat on those steps for so long just talking and flirting and at one point, lying head to head.  I was so comfortable with him but let him know my rules.  No Love, No Relationship, No attachment.  We agreed and moved on.  We spent time at my favorite playground stargazing.  After playing with his hair and being flirty, he finally rolled over and kissed me.  :) I melted.

He's never had a girlfriend or anything, so not getting attached wouldn't be hard for him.  He didn't want a relationship, so we're cool there too.  We spent the entire month of June together.  Watching movies, going to dinner, just kicking back at his place with his roommates, having fun.  We both started to feel attached.  It was rough.  The end of the month came and I was getting my move together.  He came to see me a few times, helped me clean my car even.  Then, the day came that I had to actually leave.  We discussed that we really were super attached and really wanted to try to make this work, though we weren't sure how to do so.  After my schedule was decided, we figured out that I'd come out to Fort Worth every 2 weeks and when he had money, he'd come see me.

                                                SPEED BUMP!!!!


  I found an apartment here in Abilene.  The next day, I was planning to go sign the lease and put my deposit down.  Instead, I was asked to not do that.  My big boss, let me know that they needed me to move to Midland at the end of my training.  This meant that instead of working here in Abilene until March, I'd be leaving by the end of August/beginning of September.  I told Michael and an instant sadness befell our conversation.   He wasn't sure what to do or think about this new information.  I wasn't aware of the fact that Midland puts me 5 hours from Fort Worth.  I'm currently 2.5 hours from him.  This was rough.  He decided that we were too attached to not let this become something, but the distance will be too great for us to let it become something.  So after a week of deliberating, we decided it was over.  We would be friends, if we could.  I was heading out to FW for the weekend and promised to leave him alone.  After a friend date Saturday night, I messaged him.  "I lied, I can't stay away"  We met up at his place and talked.  We hugged and kissed and each almost cried.  We made the decision to stick it out until the second to last weekend of August.  He'll be visiting me that weekend and we'll decide where to go from there.


  So, he was telling someone he had a girlfriend (me) and then he'd told me about it.   I asked him, "Oh really?  A girlfriend huh?"  "Oh crap!... you were supposed to miss that part."  We are waiting until after his visit to decide on titles. So, our temporary titles are "Pseudo-Boyfriend" and "Quasi-Girlfriend".  I love it. :)

  The divorce hasn't gone through yet.  Allen hasn't even begun the process, still.  He threw me for a loop, when the day I started the MIT Program, he tells me he's going to start looking into it more seriously.  That, of course, messed with my head.  There's a lot going on right now, but I'm pushing on.  I refuse to let this make me stumble.  I refuse to fall on my face, all because he's pulling out all the punches.

   This training is on it's 6th week and it's been so HARD!  My catering manager is amazing! She's done more for me than I'd ever expected.  When I worked in the deli the last time, I swore she wasn't a fan of mine.  She's dedicated her time to helping me really excel with everything I'm doing.  I'm so thankful for her.  My District Manager is amazing.  He has taken me under his wing and is really showing me compassion.  He's working his magic to make me into an amazing leader/manager.  I can't wait to see what I do with myself, after taking the advice of both he and the CM.  I hope to be an amazing leader who inspires others to be better.  I've never managed before, so this is a big risk they're taking.  They have faith in me which is causing me to finally have faith in myself.  I'm loving this feeling.

  The next 3 weeks will be insane and rough, I'm ready for them (I think!).   I've always been one for inspirational quotes, this is not something that will change anytime soon.  I've covered my green folder (the folder with my tests, evaluations, questionnaires) in quotes that inspire me to be a better leader/better person.  To remind myself that I'm doing this and I'm going to succeed.  I think it's time to finally put my passion for people to the test.  Here it comes!!!  Here's looking at you kid!  I'm going to rock it out there in Midland!  I plan to inspire the people who work there, the way I've been inspired.  I'm going to be exhausted, but it's going to be more than worth it.

 LOOK OUT WORLD!!!!! HERE I COME!!!

If you want to settle down and plant roses at my feet, go ahead

Mild Concussion.  Major pain in my ass is more like it.  The pain isn't horrifying or deadly, just really annoying.  It's sharp and all over my skull. My neck aches, my body feels like I was hit by a Mac Truck.  I hate this!!

  I just want to sleep without aching so badly.  I hope I can get through my 3 hours at the office, if not I think I may go crazy.  :( I also hope that by Friday I can walk around for a long period of time without aching too badly.  Looks like I won't be wearing my dress, I'm going to need to wear my Reeboks, for comfort. :( I was really wanting to look cute!! I'm all sad n crap  now.  I'm also still kind of foggy. It's not fun. Anyway, I better jet.

E


EDIT:  Ended things with the boyfriend the next day.  He was such an angry person and I couldn't handle that.  I had NO idea about that trait until we went to Art Fest.  Not cool... I can't handle negativity like that.  Not necessary.

Correction does much, but encouragement does more.

"Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you."

“When he kisses you he isn't doing anything else. You're his whole universe..and the moment is eternal because he doesn't have any plans and isn't going anywhere. Just kissing you...it's overwhelming.”

“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.”

“Dating should be less about matching outward circumstances than meeting your inner necessity.”

“In your relationships with others, remember the basic and critically important rule: If you want to be loved, be lovable”

“The deep joy we take in the company of people with whom we have just recently fallen in love is undisguisable.”

“Take a second out to think about this: in your life you search and search for the right person for you. Every time you break up with someone you get one step closer to that person. You should look at moving on as getting closer to meeting the one.”

“There are two sorts of affection - the love of a woman you respect, and the love of the woman you love”

“If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world, and that his heart is no island cut off from other lands, but a continent that joins to them.”

It's just that kind of day

I'm always looking forward to the evening.  Evening means no more sun, less heat, cooler car, beautiful stars and an amazing moon to gaze upon.  Daytime is the epitome of terrible, for me at least.  I burn so easily, (Thank you Irish heritage!) sweat profusely and gain the most horrific headaches thanks to sunlight.  I'd rather sleep all day and play all night. I'll admit though, the 15 spring days that we Texans are alotted, are the most amazing days of the year! The weather is clear, cool yet warm, bright yet cloudy enough to hide the sun a bit. How much better can you get???  Those are the few days I actually want to spend time outdoors.  I don't sweat much, the sun doesn't burn, the breeze is a breeze and not huge gusts of wind.  However, when night falls, no matter the weather, my mood improves greatly.  When I go to work, I want to look girly because I'm doing a mans job. I wear pigtails, I put bows in my hair, wear makeup.  I feel good about myself when I go to work (unless I just don't care that day).  I know that by doing my job, I can be quite intimidating to some people.  I'm one of 3 women who do my job at our location.  That says a lot.  The fact that I lift packages that a lot of the guys won't touch is a testament to my hard work, strength and possibly even stupidity.  I'm constantly getting slapped around and beaten by the freight because I'm on autopilot, trying to get the job done as quickly as possible.  My shins are lumpy, my thighs have a green and purple hue to them.  My abdomen and arms are beautifully bruised.   I enjoy my job because I know I'm good at it.  That may sound conceited, but this job is the one thing I know I'm good at.  My strength has always been a positive thing for me.  I'll admit, as a waitress, I was conceited.  Then again, I was a trainer within 3 weeks of learning to wait tables the first time, that's got to say SOMETHING. :) I've always been able to carry the trays everyone was afraid of.  At 18 years old, I trained 5 different people who eventually became managers.  I've seen 3 of them in the last 2 years and they all thanked me for pulling them out of their shells and teaching them about customer service.  People are my passion.  I love food, I love music, but people....where would the other two be without customers or an audience?  You please the people, they'll always come back wanting more.  

  I really want to manage this Jason's Deli, I love people so much and I love making customers happy.  However, I'm having my doubts.  Jason's is an AMAZING company to work for.  They're environmentally conscious and trying new things to save one more tree every time I turn around.  The problem for me, though, is the fact that they are not full service.  I miss the pace of a full service restaurant.  I  miss the stress and the  joy of a shift well done.  I miss becoming friends with the regulars and listening to they're life stories.  I know I could do that at Jason's, but it's just not the same. *sigh* I'm SOOO conflicted!!

 I'm also quite random.  I'm jumping around a lot.  Maybe I'll actually sleep now.  Who knows?

E

Hey Soul Sister, you Bestill My Heart

Lyrics to 2 of my absolute favorite "love" songs.  They don't meet the standard criteria of love songs.  They are slow and romantic.  They tell about things most love songs aren't really about.  It's about the little quirky things.  I  don't know about most people, but for me, it's about the quirky, odd eccentricities that make someone who they are.  That's what makes me fall in love with someone.  Not money, beauty, composure, or even things that they own. I couldn't care less about your house or apartment.  I don't care if you have the latest fashion trends in your closet.  I'm not falling in love with your clothes, home or car. I'm falling in love with you.  The you that only I can see.  The one who uses the word cute all the time, who ought to buy a thesaurus because you can only think of "A" words to describe me (i.e. awesome, amazing, adorable...lol) :) I'm falling head over heels for the you who is freakishly passionate about a TV show.  The you who loves the little things.  The you who makes me feel more special and important than I've ever felt before.  Not with gifts or dinners, but with attention. The way you brush my hair out of my eyes (which, inevitably falls right back into position), the way you caress my cheek with the lightest touch, as though I'm a porcelain doll.  That's what makes me fall.....


"Hey, Soul Sister"

Heeey heeeey heeeeey

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moving
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

Heeey heeeey heeeey

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind le me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

Well you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I cant be
I want the world to see you'll be with me

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight) 






"Be Still My Heart"

I was running late for work
So I didn't change my shirt
The evening's drinks left a lingering taste in my mouth
And when I left
You were fast asleep
Tangled in the sheets
And on the bus I could have sworn it was all a dream
And it didn't happen to me

And then I felt the scrapes
From the slippery subway grate.
Oh how you laughed
At my complete lack of grace.
But I could not recall
A more perfect fall
Cause when I looked up into your eyes
It didn't hurt at all.

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning. 

I'll catch you

I'm going to Wichita Falls.  The actual date of moving is up in the air, but I know it'll be between September and November depending on when the Jason's Deli actually opens. I'm SO excited! However, my excitement is slightly dampened by me new relationship status.  He's right, what are we going to do when this time comes? I reminded him "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it".

 Sadly though, I'm unable to write much  more. I must be off to work now. Wish me few bruises!!

Be still my heart / this could be a brand new start / with you

Life has a funny way of telling us off. I planned my time out perfectly.  I'd move in with my parents and work my face off until the hopeful move to Wichita Falls.  I planned to date around, meet new guys, have fun, nothing serious.  Then Matt came along and threw a wrench in it all.  After our first date, I knew there was something super special about this guy.  The fact that he was willing to take things slow and really let me soak it all up was a  major plus for me.  Our first kiss, as he likes to say, "sums up everything about us".  That kiss lasted forever, and when we'd step back from each other, we just had to dive back in for more.  We were slow and deliberate, none of that over-sexed-irrational-lip-placement for us. It was deep and sweet.  His hands touching my face and neck causing my knees to quake.


   Today, I decided to be 12 years old again.  I told him "While I know I can't shout it from the rooftops, tell my entire family about you or even be completely open with everyone because I know they'll freak since I'm still married; I want to be with you.  I just, I want to know, I mean..... Would you like to be my boyfriend???"  I began blushing because he suddenly started laughing which caused me to giggle like crazy and cover my fear to hide my embarrassment.  He said "Of course I would.  I'm not laughing at you, by the way.  I'm laughing at the whole situation and how cute you are.  That's THE cutest thing I've EVER seen before."  This all happened in the middle of a kind of loud pizza place. I'm such a dork, haha. :)  After pizza (amazing Steak and Cheese with horseradish sauce) we went to my absolute favorite playground (EVER) and talked.  We really got a lot out on the table and it was refreshing.  This particular playground seems to make the feelings and deep intellect just come flying out.  We sat on the equipment and talked about "us" and worries, etc.  Then we hopped on the swings.  I've been saying that I just need to swing, for awhile now.  I've just not gone and done it.  I'm so thankful I was able to tonight.  I've found that swinging is my favorite mind-clearing activity.  All you  have to do is, pump, push, breathe and let the wind fly through your tresses.  I love to focus on the stars and just go, trying my hardest to reach them.

  We talked while sitting on the swings and I told him about how insane and dysfunctional my family is. He told me how great and normal his family is.  I've never had "normal".  His dad is buying him his car, his parents are paying for his school.  I started working at 14 to help with bills and keep my dad from having to spend his money on clothes and school supplies for me.  Yes, mom and Rick have helped me financially when I first moved out, but that's only because they had inheritance money.  I paid for my '96 Geo Tracker and I recently paid off my '04 Chevy Aveo.   I think I have an idea about why his mom isn't a big fan of mine. She knows I'm not from money and I think she worries I'm going to use her son for his/their money.  I couldn't care less about money or things.


  I'll admit though, I felt quite simple and unsure of myself after learning more about his family and what his parents have done for him.  I don't have money.  I have almost no money.  Everything I own, aside from clothing and a few key items I have, are in storage in Abilene being paid for by Allen.  I'm feeling somewhat strange.  When it comes to clothes, I own one (1) pair of jeans that actually fit and about 4 tops that actually fit.  Everything else in my closet are far too big for me.  I wear them though, because I have nothing else to wear.  Therefore I look dumpy half the time and the other half of the time, I'm wearing the same 4 shirts constantly.  Matt says he wants to take me shopping.  I was flattered and slightly weirded out by that.  Now I know that I REALLY can't except that, as badly as I want to.  I'd feel like a charity case/a gold digger.  I'm neither of those things.  *sigh*

   I need to get out of my head and stop worrying about everything.  It'll all work itself out. In the meantime, I'm going to bask in the happiness that is having a new boyfriend. :)

E

Tears...

I'm watching No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain. I've teared up a few times already. He's in Provence, France visiting St. Remy and all I'm seeing are my memories and my dreams passing me by.

I hadthe chance to stay. I dent take it. I'm determined to lose weight, I need to be determined to make my life there in the Provençal region. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'd never find a job(a permanent one) or that'd I'd get behind on my bills here in the states. I allow myself to become bogged down by everything that may or may not end my dreams. I'll wake up one of these days and realize how ridiculous I'm being. I think I'll go back to Anthony and cry a bit more before going to bed. I really miss my area of France.

That Frankly Will Not Fly...

I can't seem to shut up these days.  My entire adulthood has been spent with one man.  ONE MAN! I know I'm only 25, but to go from 18-25 with one man then suddenly be cast aside, it's a transition to say the least.  I try to refrain from talking about him, but any anecdote I may have includes him.  Any interesting little story about something that happened to me in the last 6 years, includes him.  He was there for all of it.  I thought he'd be here for the rest of it, so I never thought I'd have to figure out a way to censor myself.  I need to turn on my filter.  Just as I tell Ben Morgan at work to turn his filter on, I too must insert the proverbial filter and let it do it's job.  Ben has a problem with telling people exactly what he's thinking...even if it's very hurtful.  He just figures they won't take it personally because he wouldn't.  In other words, he's socially inept.

  I need to filter him out of my everyday conversation. Turn him into *my friend* instead of *he who shall remain nameless*.  I've hurt Matt a bit.  I didn't realize just how embedded *he* is in my everyday conversation until Matt pointed it out.  It really bothers him that we'll have entire conversations that practically revolve around *him*.  I'll usually be talking about something that happened to me and *he* just happens to be an integral part of the story, as he is with most stories from my life in the last 6 years.  I'm really going to make it a goal of mine to stop referring to him as *My husband*, *my ex* or *his name* and turn him into *My friend* or *an old friend*.  I really want this to work with Matt and this is the only way I can think to do it.  I know it may seem drastic, but he's not the only one I'm effecting with it.  Everytime I talk about *him* I'm forcing myself to think of *him*, a lot.  That's a painful thing for me.  I need to stop.  I know *he* and I are still friends, but *he's* just that, a friend.  Nothing more, ever.

  Enough about this subject.  Moving on!

  Today was the epitome of spring! It is so beautiful out right now and all I want to do is either swim or go play on a playground, but I need friends for that, I haven't any of those.  At least none who believe playgrounds are ok to play on. Oh well, I guess I'll just go alone tonight after work. :)  That and the gym.  I hit 4 miles on the elliptical Sunday night.  I thought I was going to die, but I did it!! :) I was SOOO proud of myself.  Hell, I AM proud of myself! I'm 250 lbs.  Most men and women my size couldn't do it, so I know I'm doing great!  **CORRECTION!! I'm 245!!!!!!! 5 more lbs!!**

    I'm working on self motivation.
I have Savannah, the sheer idea of my niece makes me want to be a better person. I'm not as great as everyone seems to think, I have many inner demons that I try to keep at bay.  Having her on this earth has helped me beat many of them.  She's my world :)  She makes me want to be smarter, work harder and be a great example for her.  I don't want her to think women have to be stay at home wives who do nothing all day.  I don't want her to think that nagging your husband is the only want to live.  I want her to know that she can be anything she wants.  Being a Miss Priss isn't an ideal lifestyle choice.  I try to teach her *dirty* things.  Making crayons, playing in the mud, dancing in the rain.  Things that are considered messy aren't allowed in her house, so I share them with her.  I want to be an example of a strong woman.  Right now, I'm failing, but I plan to make it up to her.

  I have my dreams.  I want so badly to be in France.  Become an Ex-Pat and never look back (except to see my Vannah Pie of course).  When I run, I look at pictures of things I aspire to. Whether they be places to live, people to know, people I love.  Sometimes I look at my wedding pictures. I was at my heaviest at that time and those pictures gross me out.  I was HUGE.  I aspire to NEVER be that disgusting lump again.  I'm slowly fading away from that girl and becoming a better woman.

   I rely on the motivational words of friends and strangers.  There's a guy who works out around the same time I do.  Every time I see him, he talks to me telling me how intense I looked the last time and how he can see a difference between now and last December.  He motivates me.   I prefer going with David to the gym bc having him there means I'm not alone and I push myself to stay longer.  When I go alone, I have no one to keep going for.  Meaning, I don't feel obligated to stay longer so that they don't feel obligated to leave earlier. Sadly, our gym time has been taken away due to his shitty schedule.  Now, I'm stuck working out alone.  This makes it SO much harder for me to get in there.  I don't have someone reminding me that I'm going to be thankful once the nights over.  I just think about how exhausted I am and go on about my merry little way.  Once again, I'm working on SELF motivation.  *sigh*

    I tried on an XL dress at Old Navy.  I almost screamed when I realized that it fit me PERFECTLY.  Every inch hung nicely.  No rolls being grabbed, no seams being tugged.  Just cotton, hanging serenely from my shoulders, hugging all the right curves and disguising all the wrong ones.  I'm really feeling good for a change.  I look in the mirror and still feel gross, but I feel LESS gross.  Meaning I don't want to punch myself for being a lazy ass who looks like crap. Instead, I want to pat myself on the back for looking less like a lazy ass and more like a college kid who's put on the freshman 15.  :)


   Back to my filter.  I feel I should just clam up for a bit.  Allow others (mainly Matt) a chance to really express themselves.  Apparently I have a lot of *Amazing stories*,  however, telling those stories only causes more pain for certain people.  So, I feel that clamming up and giving the stage to someone else is how I should  do this.  I'm really trying to not be as talkative in a public sense either.  I really do talk to everyone and while it seems nice to me, it's been pointed out SEVERAL times by about 8 different people in the last week.  I don't think people are comfortable with my talkative nature.

  Ugh, I'm not really sure what I'm saying, I just know that I obviously need to make some big changes.  So, big changes, here I come!!!  Let's hope I can be successful.

E

 

 

Dancing is better when your day is just beginning....

I've found that if I start my day off with a silly dance, I'm happier for it. :)  I wake up, groggy and not wanting to move, I scrape myself from between the sheets and make my way to the bathroom.  I don't touch the lights, I just go straight to the shower to start the morning ritual of waiting for the hot water to arrive.  I stay clothed while I plug my iphone into it's speaker and find the song of the week.  Last week it was Carry Out by Timbaland and Justin Timberlake.  The week before was all about Break Your Heart by Taio Cruz and Ludacris.   Before that was Hey Soul Sister by Train, for a few weeks actually.  This week, the song is Do Better by Say Anything.  This is the song I plan to wake up to for at least a week, probably longer though. :)


    The song of the week usually just makes me happy because the beat makes my body want to move.  I'm always paying attention to lyrics, but sometimes, I just don't care if the lyrics are nothing but crap(Break Your Heart is the perfect example).  I'm just looking for something to make me smile and dance around like a fool.  This song is also my main theme for running that week.  I can't wait to get on the elliptical tonight and watch as my face expresses my love of the lyrics.  I've been told I can be pretty intense when I run, but that it's noticeable when I love the song I'm listening to.  I've cried while running before, typically out of sheer anger.  Hate on Me as sung by the Glee cast, has had that effect on me.  I'm cool with it though. :) They're version of "Smile" by Lily Allen makes me run harder and smile wider.  She talks about how he left her but wants her back now.  She smiles when she sees him cry because he deserves the pain.  :)  I know it's vindictive but I can't resist loving it.

   I'm feeling somewhat awkward these days.  I'm coming into a new me.  My body is changing and for the first time in my life, it's in a good way.  Apparently I'm looking much better than even I can tell.  I didn't realize.  I'm getting hit on by friends and strangers alike.  As I said, I feel awkward! I know that some of my friends have had crushes on me for awhile, but they know it'll never happen between us.  however, finding out that a friend has a crush on me, and my other friend was very well aware, is strange.  I was oblivious! David says he knew right off the bat because Jason stares at me every time we're all at the gym together and he asks a ton of questions about me. He wasn't very friendly towards David because he assumed my close friendship with David was actually a relationship.  *sigh* David thinks it's hilarious that I'm only just now finding out when he's known all this time.  Apparently I'm blind.  Ugh....oh well! He knows I'm seeing someone and won't do anything to ruin it.

Controversial yet mundane, Debra's Messing with your brain

I'm grinning from ear to ear. Life is good, even on a snowy night at the end of March.  I'm happy.  Thank you universe for giving happiness to me.  I appreciate it more than I could ever show.


   I've been handed a second chance that most would have no clue what to do with.  I must admit, I've very much like the masses.  I have no idea what I will do, but I know what I WANT to do.

  I want to Live.  I want to live for me, not for anyone else.  I want to go to France in a year and a half.  I'd rather go there to live, but there a lot of hoops to jump through, so I'll go to visit for a few months, then come back to the states.  I want to live everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.  I don't want a permanent home, I want to live in every place I come to for a short period of time.  I don't want to travel and come back to a static location.  I want to make every place I go, my home for that period of time.  I would kill to be a nomad.

 Then again, I dream of having a well paying, full time job, with a relationship that actually works.  Someone who doesn't push me around emotionally.  Someone who supports me and my endeavors and understands that we both sacrifice for the greater good of us.  It's not a one person relationship.  It's work, and requires attention and devotion.

  You always find what you're looking for when you're not looking for it or when you don't know you need it.

Where does this road lead?

I've neglected this blog for quite awhile now. I'm wanting to come back to it though. Hopefully writing on here will prove cathartic. The separation was far more traumatizing than I could have ever imagined. However, it's also been the best thing to have ever happened to me. I'm slowly figuring out who I am. I no longer care about peoples approval, at least not to the point where I'm far too cautious anymore. I put a pink streak in my hair as a way to stand behind my step mom with her breast cancer. Before this, though, I never would have done it for fear that people would think less of me. Why do I care?? I know why I'm doing it and if they want to know, they'll ask! :) That's how I'm looking at things now. He left me and I thought it was the end of the world. I'd just lost 50 lbs in 2.5 months, then I gained 30 of it back in the first month of separation. I was a pit of despair! No more! I've lost that 30 lbs finally and am feeling amazing! I'm sore, but amazing. :) I work for FedEx unloading containers of freight, by hand. Sometimes the freight is light, other times it's up to 150lbs. It's a killer workout! I also run (on an elliptical) and have shaved 9 minutes off my 3 mile time. My goal is to get up to 10 miles in the next 3 months. Then, work on shaving that time down. I run on the elliptical because it's easiest on my knees, so I'm trying to work my way up to actual running, but only once I get my stamina up. I want to run a half marathon in a year.

During the day, I work in an office as an assistant to the ladies who run the office for the owner of 7 Jason's Delis. I used to be a supervisor in his Abilene store, but when I left he wanted me to stay with the company. They want to move me to Wichita Falls for their new store. The only catch is, I'm not exactly sure how they want to use me in the store. If it's a managerial position where I'll get salary pay, I'm totally down with that. If it's as an hourly employee/supervisory role, I can't. I want so badly to help them open this restaurant, I love this company and feel it an honor to be asked. However, if it's only hourly, I know I wouldn't be able to live on my own.

I've started dating. It's kind of scary but really nice at the same time. I've been on several dates with several people and have actually met some really amazing men.

I've written a lot so far, so I think I'll call it a night. I have work at 2240 tonight, I'll be done around 0257 probably, as per my usual, then it's off to run my 3 miles, maybe more if I'm feeling up to it. Have a great night!

EJT

"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being??" -- Oscar Wilde

Life is changing and I'm so far behind

It's over. We're done. The whole time he's been saying there was nothing between them and he wants it to work out with us. This whole time he's said that. He's been lying. I was stupid and read his messages tonight. They've slept together and he's falling for her. It would be ok oif he hadn't been dragging me along. We slept together last night, after 4 months. It was amazing then she called. He said it was his friend Brandons wife bc Brandon was wigging out. I knew all along it wasn't. He went to her house for a few hours. His mom was struck by her bells palsey again this morning. I begged To go to the ER. Instead he had her go up there. We're done. I'm dying inside. He's been lying saying he wants to make this work. He's been lying.

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