The message that changed my life

Just when I thought it was safe to disable...
Oct 28, 2010 – 8:05pm
Well, I certainly am glad that I had second thoughts about disabling my profile! Discouraged by the lack of interesting matches in Amarillo, I decided to stop looking. Now, I am seriously kicking myself, because I may have missed out on seeing your profile.

I am truly horrible at writing introduction e-mails. I keep wanting to gush about how interesting you sound, about the things we have in common, etc... Maybe instead, I'll just get meta and write about writing those things? :)

I'm very in touch with the local music scene, and have recently started performing my own stuff at open mic nights. I'm a computer programmer by profession, but music has always been an interest of mine. One of the things I have enjoyed about living here is that I've been able to become friends with some really talented people, who have encouraged and helped me with music.

I'm originally from Portland, Oregon (home to our mutual author-of-interest Chuck Palahniuk). I started traveling around the country in 2005, in search of fame and fortune. I found a little fortune, but the only Fame so far has been the Bowie song. I ended up here in Amarillo almost two years ago, after brief stints in Williamsburg, VA and Ft. Worth.

If you would, check out my profile - I think it may be as long as yours! ;) I actually really like the length of your profile, it is very uncommon around these parts to see a profile of any great depth.

Cheers!
Josh

The most comforting feeling

When I married Allen, I thought I was in it for life. I honestly thought that I deserved to be treated the way he treated me. I honestly thought that I wasn't good enough to be loved any other way.

Shortly after our separation, I'd joined a dating site to see if I could meet anyone worthwhile. I met a few really nice guys, some creeps and a few weirdos. After living in Odessa for only 6 weeks I was asked to move to Amarillo, in 2 weeks. So, that night, I changed my location on the dating site from Odessa to Amarillo. I figured "Why not? May as well start looking there now!". The next morning, I checked my e-mail, only to find a message from someone on the site. WOW! That happened rather quickly!

When I opened the message, I had no idea that I'd be reading the words of the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

After texting for a day, we decided to talk on the phone. That first conversation lasted nearly 6 hours, straight! After that, our talks were no less than 3 hours. I fell for him instantly! He made my heart race, my head spin, my knees were weak, just talking to him. He was deeply damaged by his marriage, just as I was. He's 7 years older than myself and is a programmer. He's the most intelligent man I've ever dated. EVER. A week after that first contact, we had our first date, here in Amarillo, after I spent the day searching for an apartment. We went to a place called The 806 and watched this crazy awesome rock-a-billy-brass band play. They were fantastic! After about 15 minutes, we were sitting so close that he put his arm around me, then we started holding hands. I remember the feeling of his nose, pressed against my scalp, taking in my scent. Suddenly, I knew that I was right where I was meant to be. Nothing could ruin that moment in time. I really hope that that memory never escapes me. It was the sweetest feeling I've ever felt and I'd hate to lose that. We left and went to a park to sit in the car and talk. We made out for a bit and I didn't feel bad for it at all.

I fell in love instantly. Every time we were talking I had the urge to tell him I loved him, which I knew was crazy. So, instead of I love you, I'd say *Rawr*. We both love dinosaurs, and there's a saying that says "Rawr means "I love you" in Dinosaur!". I accidentally let that slip after I said "Rawr!" to him. How embarrassing!! :)

After moving here, things got even better between us. We have amazing conversations, still, after almost 7 months together. He understands my depression, just as I understand his. We went to Oregon together and that was a big test of our strength. We passed with flying colors! We went to Oregon after being together less than a month. I wasn't so sure it was a good idea, but afterwards, I knew I'd be with him forever. While we were there, we started talking about "We need to move to Oregon in a few years" "When we move here, we're going to get an apartment here" etc. We both knew.

Now, 7 months later, we practically live together, my place is basically a closet, lol. We've decided to move in together around the end of November/early December. This really is the beginning of my life. After only about 2 months, we were talking kids. He wasn't sure that he wanted kids even though I've known I was meant to be a mommy ever since I was about 4 years old. After he'd told me this, I decided that I could live without having a child. I could have a joyous life without being a mommy. (I was lying to myself) A few weeks after he'd told me this, in a very serious, heart wrenching conversation(we both cried), he looked me in the eye and said he could see himself having kids. He wants to have at least one child and he only wants me to be their mother. My heart swelled to 3 sizes too big. I couldn't believe my ears. I told him that I'd been lying to myself. I knew that he was who I was meant to be with, period. There's no doubt in my mind. Children or no children, he's the man I'm going to grow old with. We may never marry. We may get married in a year or so. Who knows? All we know is that we plan to be together, through thick and thin. We've already had a few obstacles to overcome and we did it. We got through it.

People say that a relationship is hard work. This is the first relationship that I've ever been in, where the work isn't hard at all. I understand him. He understands me. We see eachother, completely, warts and all. I know that he can come home and seem slightly autistic for awhile. I've learned how to behave around him during those times. When he comes home and I can sense that he's in "programmer mode", I know to give him a quick hug and kiss, ask about his day, and then let him unwind. The other days, I can practically jump on him, kissing him all over and just start talking away. When he says or does something that I take the wrong way, he actually apologizes. Allen never once apologized for upsetting me or making me feel like shit. Josh apologizes anytime he feels he's wronged me, in any way, even when he hasn't. We tell each other that we love one another often. It's not just a phrase we toss out, it always comes from the heart. I leave him notes in his office or under his keys. I loved doing that because I know that he appreciates them as well as enjoys receiving them. When he discovers a note in the morning before leaving for work, he comes in the room to kiss me goodbye and he's got this sweet look in his eyes. It just makes my heart melt.

When you've found the person you know you're supposed to be with, forever, it's so incredibly comforting. I grew up believing I'd die alone. I think that that's why I never thought I deserved better than Allen. I really was naive.