I hate this feeling

I hate how much I miss you sometimes. Thanks to you, I felt worthless and stupid all the time. Thanks to you, my heart is fucked up. Thanks to you, I'm afraid, everyday, to express the feelings I feel, because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of doing the rejecting as well. I HATE YOU!!!!! You fucked me up so badly!!

Why is it, then, that when I see a picture of you, I long to touch your cheek, smell your neck, run my fingers through your hair. You are familiar. You are that comfort blanket made of familiarity. The one thing I need to rid myself of. I hate that I loved you so much, only to find out what a liar you were. I hate that I still harbor tiny slivers of love for you. You crushed me. You turned me into a whimpering, sloppy, idiot who couldn't think straight for so long.

I'm falling really hard for someone, yet I find myself pushing that thought out of my head. I'm too afraid to be loved or do the loving. I want nothing more than to be loved and appreciated for everything that I have to offer. I have SO MUCH to offer and you couldn't see that!! He sees it though! He sees my independence, my free spirit, my intellect. He sees it all, yet, he still wants to be with me. He sees how imperfect I am. My crazy bed head, terribly morning breath and my horrible sleeping habits ( I roll over and crush the poor guy!). Yet, he still wants ME.

I hate you. I want to love him. I want to someday tell him that I love him and that I knew I loved him the night I went to his house, after promising to leave him alone. When he looked on the verge of tears and we hugged and talked and spoke of how much we missed one another. I want him to know every little feeling I have. All of this is the truth, but sadly, he's not a "feelings" person. I want love, passion, open expressions, sincere sharing, and emotion. So much emotion it makes people nauseated. Who knows what I'll actually get in life? I have so much life to live it's not even funny! I better get started.

First place to start, is to kick you out. You're nothing to me. I can't think of you that way. I can't miss you. I have to rid myself of our wedding pictures. We don't have kids. I no longer have to hold onto those things. It makes my heart feel as though it's just been stabbed though. I hate you and I hate this.

One year later... 9/15/09-9/15/10

So. It's been an entire year since the separation. SO many things have happened and my life is forever changed. When it all happened, I figured my life was over. I'm now going to walk around wearing a Scarlet D for Divorcée and be scoffed at for being so young. Sitting in a living room, with Amber and Crystal (my saving graces!!!) I made the very strong statement that I would be back in Avignon by this time.

Apparently I was mistaken. I should be upset by this slight glitch in my plan, instead, I'm excited and can't wait to see where this all leads. I've met SO many people I never would have met had I not gone through my ridiculous depression. I've made more friends in this last year than I've had in my entire life. I've always had many acquaintances, but I've never been one to make friends easily. The people I've met in the last 2 years are ones I'd have a VERY hard time giving up. We may not talk daily, but we keep in contact. I watch their facebook updates and they mine. I'm so very thankful for all of them. They've all been so detrimental to my recovery and my growing confidence. I can't believe I allowed myself to believe the things I did. They don't see me that way, why should I??

Also, had I gone to Avignon, I never would have known what a "difference maker" I am. Not my words, but my bosses'. The people I work for seem to believe that I have what it takes to truly make a difference in peoples lives. I always wanted to believe that, but if I couldn't fix my life, how was I supposed to help anyone else? Thanks to them, I'm repairing my life and still slowly but surely, enabling others to repair theirs in small ways. Many small steps are better than a few big ones in my opinion. :)

There are so many things I never would have experienced if I'd been working to move to France. I never would have found out things about my failed marriage I was unaware of. I never would have learned so much about myself as a woman/human being. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to work for Kirk in his office and really see what kindness is all about. I consider myself extremely fortunate for the opportunities afforded me.

Now that that's said and done, I think it's time to work towards France. However, I think a more reasonable goal of 2 years from now is in order. If I'm able to reach my goal before then, so be it. Otherwise, I'm aiming for two years from now. Hopefully I'll have someone to go with, if not, I don't mind checking out the area by myself. Who knows, maybe I'll go for a month and once again, fall head over heels for the place (like I've ever fallen OUT of love with it) and decide that this time, I'm actually going to stay. I refuse to come home for "love" or obligation like I did last time. Never again. I'm going for myself and that's that! :)


Ahhh, it feels good to get that out finally. It's now time for bed, to prepare for two EXTREMELY long days ahead of me. I work 11-cl tomorrow, which usually means 11-11 then I'll do a turn around and be back up there at 6 to open, until about 4 and then I'll shower and race my way to Fort Worth for the weekend. A get away! If I'm really lucky, John and Sergio will let me go early. I REALLY hope so.... just 3 o'clock...that's all I'm asking.. :)

Here's to an amazing future, an amazing life, and all the love the world has to offer.

E