Spiritual Relevance

Never have I been questioned about my faith so many times in a 48 hour period. I'm now part of the Catering Department with The Black-eyed Pea. That typically consists of Heather (the Manager) and Jesse(the assistant). I've come in to replace Jesse after he leaves to go back to school in Thailand (he's American). I've met both Heather and Jesse a few times, mostly while planning my wedding. They catered the event and did such a beautiful job. I was so very thankful. Anyway! We're not close and comfy yet, because we're all still trying to figure each other out. Apparently, they assumed that I was some sort of Bible Thumper or something. They assumed this because of the music played at the wedding( long story short, the cable for the ipod was lost and Allen's secretary brought in her CD's so that we could have SOME sort of music). It was all Christian. Plus, they said that I'm so nice and tolerant of others. They just assumed that those are the characteristics you read about when a *Christian* is described. While, I am in a way, a *Christian*, I'm not a Bible toting Baptist, as would be expected here in Texas. I'm Spiritual. I know that most women who claim to be *Spiritual* are just trying to say they don't know what they are, but want to sound intelligent. Luckily, I'm not that vapid. I believe that there is a God. I believe in Miracles. To me, a bird singing, the sun rising, a rose blooming... those are the true miracles in life. I'm in awe of everyday that I wake up and can here those birds chirping. The nights when I can fall asleep to the sound of the cicadas(locusts) that aren't coming from my state of the art Sound Machine. Personally, I don't believe that going to Church makes you a better person. Not by any means. Having been a waitress for so long, I've come to see that most Church-goers are angry and more than willing to take it out on those who are there to make their life easier (e.g. the servers). Please understand that I know that there are those major exceptions to the rule. Those people who are so filled with the love of the Holy Spirit who are so thankful for the help and so willing to express and give thanks. Those people are true inspirations to me. The little old ladies with walkers who are in constant pain, but yet, they never cease to be so thankful for every minute they have. They treat the waiters like kings and make us feel like a million bucks! The people who walk in and want to give you a hug to insure you have a good day from that point on. Those are the inspiring ones.



That being said, I have a sister in law who feels I HAVE to have a *Church Home*. She swears it is impossible to raise a child unless you take them to Church every Sunday and Wednesday. I informed her of our desire to refrain from *finding a Church Home* due to our lack of happiness while in them. The last time I went to Church and really got involved, they told me to *cut the ties* with my mother until she decided to come to that Church, bc I couldn't be yoked with such an unbeliever. She's a believer, just not a believer in mans church. That's when I opened my eyes to the idea that it's not for sure that my ideas are the correct ones. Who says that Judaism is incorrect? What about Islam, or Buddhism? Who am I to say that millions of people are wrong? I open to learning about them all. I have never stood up to my domineering Sister in Law, and it felt SOOO refreshing to have done so. I think the main reason I've refrained in the past is my love for my niece and nephew. I would hate to be banned from seeing them, just because I refuse to be part of a cookie cutter culture. I love those kids with all my heart and would die inside if I couldn't see them a few times a month, bc I'm different.


Now, we move onto the fears I have. I know that they are completely irrational, but they are floating around my head CONSTANTLY. I love children. Anyone who knows me even for a little while, knows that if I'm in a poor mood, bring a child into my midst and I'll forget I was ever unhappy. I LOVE children. I've worked in a daycare. I've dealt with HORRENDOUS diapers, vomit, illness, frightening choking, etc. I've done the bedtime story, sung songs to calm a childs nerves, and driven around the block for an hour to get a baby to sleep. Yet, I'm SOOO afraid I'm going to wind up screwing my kids up. I know that the children Allen and I have will be COMPLETELY different from the kids in their classes. The reason I say this is because I plan to raise my children with morals, values and w/o a sense of entitlement. My children will know that saying please and thank you aren't so that you don't get in trouble. I will teach them that you have to honestly be thankful. You have to have feeling behind everything you say. I plan to raise my children as my parents did. Yet, I'm still so scared that I'm going to break them. My sister has nothing to do with my mother, and I don't want that. I want the relationship I have with my mother to transcend to the relationship I have with my own child. I'm afraid I'll be too strict, but too lax at the same time. I don't believe in screaming at a child for making a mess. Messes are inevitable. I believe in talking to them, and explaining things. Yes, if they do something BAD, that they KNOW not to do, then a spanking is in order. I don't believe in spanking/grounding/yelling at them for EVERY little thing they do wrong though.


I'm so fortunate. I actually have the chance to think about this stuff. I'm able to sit here and say *My future child with my husband*. So many people from High School already have kids, out of wedlock. Unplanned children. They didn't have the chance to plan out how they wanted to *do* their pregnancy, bc it happened due to lack of responsibility. I've always wanted to be risky and crazy, but I'm so thankful that I'm responsible.

Just wanted to rant and relieve myself of worries. Thanks