I hate this feeling

I hate how much I miss you sometimes. Thanks to you, I felt worthless and stupid all the time. Thanks to you, my heart is fucked up. Thanks to you, I'm afraid, everyday, to express the feelings I feel, because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of doing the rejecting as well. I HATE YOU!!!!! You fucked me up so badly!!

Why is it, then, that when I see a picture of you, I long to touch your cheek, smell your neck, run my fingers through your hair. You are familiar. You are that comfort blanket made of familiarity. The one thing I need to rid myself of. I hate that I loved you so much, only to find out what a liar you were. I hate that I still harbor tiny slivers of love for you. You crushed me. You turned me into a whimpering, sloppy, idiot who couldn't think straight for so long.

I'm falling really hard for someone, yet I find myself pushing that thought out of my head. I'm too afraid to be loved or do the loving. I want nothing more than to be loved and appreciated for everything that I have to offer. I have SO MUCH to offer and you couldn't see that!! He sees it though! He sees my independence, my free spirit, my intellect. He sees it all, yet, he still wants to be with me. He sees how imperfect I am. My crazy bed head, terribly morning breath and my horrible sleeping habits ( I roll over and crush the poor guy!). Yet, he still wants ME.

I hate you. I want to love him. I want to someday tell him that I love him and that I knew I loved him the night I went to his house, after promising to leave him alone. When he looked on the verge of tears and we hugged and talked and spoke of how much we missed one another. I want him to know every little feeling I have. All of this is the truth, but sadly, he's not a "feelings" person. I want love, passion, open expressions, sincere sharing, and emotion. So much emotion it makes people nauseated. Who knows what I'll actually get in life? I have so much life to live it's not even funny! I better get started.

First place to start, is to kick you out. You're nothing to me. I can't think of you that way. I can't miss you. I have to rid myself of our wedding pictures. We don't have kids. I no longer have to hold onto those things. It makes my heart feel as though it's just been stabbed though. I hate you and I hate this.