I can't seem to shut up these days. My entire adulthood has been spent with one man. ONE MAN! I know I'm only 25, but to go from 18-25 with one man then suddenly be cast aside, it's a transition to say the least. I try to refrain from talking about him, but any anecdote I may have includes him. Any interesting little story about something that happened to me in the last 6 years, includes him. He was there for all of it. I thought he'd be here for the rest of it, so I never thought I'd have to figure out a way to censor myself. I need to turn on my filter. Just as I tell Ben Morgan at work to turn his filter on, I too must insert the proverbial filter and let it do it's job. Ben has a problem with telling people exactly what he's thinking...even if it's very hurtful. He just figures they won't take it personally because he wouldn't. In other words, he's socially inept.
I need to filter him out of my everyday conversation. Turn him into *my friend* instead of *he who shall remain nameless*. I've hurt Matt a bit. I didn't realize just how embedded *he* is in my everyday conversation until Matt pointed it out. It really bothers him that we'll have entire conversations that practically revolve around *him*. I'll usually be talking about something that happened to me and *he* just happens to be an integral part of the story, as he is with most stories from my life in the last 6 years. I'm really going to make it a goal of mine to stop referring to him as *My husband*, *my ex* or *his name* and turn him into *My friend* or *an old friend*. I really want this to work with Matt and this is the only way I can think to do it. I know it may seem drastic, but he's not the only one I'm effecting with it. Everytime I talk about *him* I'm forcing myself to think of *him*, a lot. That's a painful thing for me. I need to stop. I know *he* and I are still friends, but *he's* just that, a friend. Nothing more, ever.
Enough about this subject. Moving on!
Today was the epitome of spring! It is so beautiful out right now and all I want to do is either swim or go play on a playground, but I need friends for that, I haven't any of those. At least none who believe playgrounds are ok to play on. Oh well, I guess I'll just go alone tonight after work. :) That and the gym. I hit 4 miles on the elliptical Sunday night. I thought I was going to die, but I did it!! :) I was SOOO proud of myself. Hell, I AM proud of myself! I'm 250 lbs. Most men and women my size couldn't do it, so I know I'm doing great! **CORRECTION!! I'm 245!!!!!!! 5 more lbs!!**
I'm working on self motivation.
I have Savannah, the sheer idea of my niece makes me want to be a better person. I'm not as great as everyone seems to think, I have many inner demons that I try to keep at bay. Having her on this earth has helped me beat many of them. She's my world :) She makes me want to be smarter, work harder and be a great example for her. I don't want her to think women have to be stay at home wives who do nothing all day. I don't want her to think that nagging your husband is the only want to live. I want her to know that she can be anything she wants. Being a Miss Priss isn't an ideal lifestyle choice. I try to teach her *dirty* things. Making crayons, playing in the mud, dancing in the rain. Things that are considered messy aren't allowed in her house, so I share them with her. I want to be an example of a strong woman. Right now, I'm failing, but I plan to make it up to her.
I have my dreams. I want so badly to be in France. Become an Ex-Pat and never look back (except to see my Vannah Pie of course). When I run, I look at pictures of things I aspire to. Whether they be places to live, people to know, people I love. Sometimes I look at my wedding pictures. I was at my heaviest at that time and those pictures gross me out. I was HUGE. I aspire to NEVER be that disgusting lump again. I'm slowly fading away from that girl and becoming a better woman.
I rely on the motivational words of friends and strangers. There's a guy who works out around the same time I do. Every time I see him, he talks to me telling me how intense I looked the last time and how he can see a difference between now and last December. He motivates me. I prefer going with David to the gym bc having him there means I'm not alone and I push myself to stay longer. When I go alone, I have no one to keep going for. Meaning, I don't feel obligated to stay longer so that they don't feel obligated to leave earlier. Sadly, our gym time has been taken away due to his shitty schedule. Now, I'm stuck working out alone. This makes it SO much harder for me to get in there. I don't have someone reminding me that I'm going to be thankful once the nights over. I just think about how exhausted I am and go on about my merry little way. Once again, I'm working on SELF motivation. *sigh*
I tried on an XL dress at Old Navy. I almost screamed when I realized that it fit me PERFECTLY. Every inch hung nicely. No rolls being grabbed, no seams being tugged. Just cotton, hanging serenely from my shoulders, hugging all the right curves and disguising all the wrong ones. I'm really feeling good for a change. I look in the mirror and still feel gross, but I feel LESS gross. Meaning I don't want to punch myself for being a lazy ass who looks like crap. Instead, I want to pat myself on the back for looking less like a lazy ass and more like a college kid who's put on the freshman 15. :)
Back to my filter. I feel I should just clam up for a bit. Allow others (mainly Matt) a chance to really express themselves. Apparently I have a lot of *Amazing stories*, however, telling those stories only causes more pain for certain people. So, I feel that clamming up and giving the stage to someone else is how I should do this. I'm really trying to not be as talkative in a public sense either. I really do talk to everyone and while it seems nice to me, it's been pointed out SEVERAL times by about 8 different people in the last week. I don't think people are comfortable with my talkative nature.
Ugh, I'm not really sure what I'm saying, I just know that I obviously need to make some big changes. So, big changes, here I come!!! Let's hope I can be successful.
E
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment